From a grieving mom

I received a very touching email from Holly. She said I could share it with you in the hopes that it may help someone else possibly feeling the same way to know they aren't alone. I appreciate so much her willingness to reach out. ((hugs)) to Holly. We are remembering your baby with you.
peace-
emily

Emily,

I stumbled upon your blog several months ago after I miscarried, and I thank you for putting your thoughts and feelings out there for so many of us looking for something to help us cope. Though every day is still a struggle for me, I find a small amount of comfort knowing I'm not the only one to experience this deep loss and struggle with its aftermath.

The hardest thing for me at this point is that it has been three months since I miscarried, and hardly anyone knows, making me feel as though I have no where to turn for help or comfort. We didn't want to spread the news until we heard a heartbeat. That day never came. My husband's parents and a select few of my girlfriends knew of our pregnancy, and when it ended no one would talk about it. No one called, no one emailed, no one came to our house to check on us. It was as if it never happened. In the weeks that followed a few calls came in. "I just wanted to give you your space, your privacy..." That was the last thing I wanted. I wanted, and still want, someone to tell me they are sorry, that they understand, that they would love to just come over and talk. Anything. I wish the whole dang world knew so I could at least feel like I can show how I feel on the inside, instead of trying to put on a happy face every day. I hate it. I feel like I act my way through every day, holding in my feelings and watching everyone else's lives progress while I feel like I'm at a standstill. Even my husband has moved on and doesn't understand why I still feel so horrible about our loss.

Not only that, but my best friend and I were due at the same time. She is still pregnant and has found out the gender of her baby. She's completely quit talking to me, and right now, as horrible as it feels and sounds, I'm glad. I hate it that she gets what we both wanted, and here I am in agony every day while she paints her nursery and picks out names.

I have finally arranged some counseling that I will begin in November. I have my reservations about talking to a stranger about this, as having a friend or loved one to speak to would be more comfortable. I just don't know any other avenues to take to help myself when no one knows I need the help.

If you can use this for your writing on your blog, please do. There may be a woman out there who is in the exact same situation and doesn't know where to go or what to do next.

Again, thank you for sharing your story.
Sincerely,
Holly

Asking for Help

This is what I've been thinking on lately. How are you at asking and accepting help? I pretty much stink at it. I just feel that I should be able to do it on my own. People offer "Let me know if there is anything you need" or even "What can I do to help" and I usually tell them I am fine.

I remember that when Gabriel died we were in the hospital for 3 days waiting for him to be born. And (this is really stupid) but I remember worrying because I knew that my lawn needed cut. It was really long to start with and my HOA gets really annoyingly picky about stuff like that. But I think this is a pretty good example, really. I'm sure one of my neighbors would have done it for us in a heartbeat. It is a concrete something that they could have done, if only I had asked.

Now we are going through this situation with our house. It has been 6 weeks and insurance will no longer pay for a hotel since they feel work should be done. But it isn't. Our house is not ready for us to move into. So we are at my mom's house. This is not ideal.

People are asking "What can we do to help?" and it is just so hard. The real answer is come help me clean up after all the construction. Bring me a meal or two. Watch my kids so I can work uninterrupted.

Instead I say "Oh, we're fine! Thanks!"

Why do I do this? Do you do it, too? Why is it so hard to accept help?

edited to add: I'm sorry if this is kind of a pity party. I don't really mean it that way. I do feel fortunate and know that things could be a lot worse. I'm glad it is just STUFF and not health issues or anything like that.

peace-
emily

Grieving the Loss of a Grandchild

Yesterday my article "Grieving the Loss of a Grandchild" was featured on the site GrandparentsTLC This is a great site that shows grandparents how to use technology to connect with their grandchildren.

I appreciate the chance to talk about how a grandparent can help their child when a grandchild dies. Not so long ago the attitude was that a mom should not see her baby, but instead should forget and have another child as soon as possible to get over the loss. It was a different time, a different generation. And grandparents are in a unique position that they are grieving the loss of their grandchild and also are seeing their child hurting. It's tough.

Click on GrandparentsTLC:Grieving the Loss of a Grandchild and check it out. Thanks to Grandpa Shayne for posting my article.

peace-
emily

Our children

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and tonight at 7pm there will be a 'Wave of Light' as families light candles for their babies and place them outside for an hour. It helps so much to know that I am not the only one remembering Gabriel on this day.

I invite you to post below with your baby's name and if you'd like, a message, poem or quote for them.

I know there are many readers who do not or can not post here. If you want me to add your baby's name for you please send me an email at nickwilberg @ hotmail.com

Gabriel Wilberg
May 10, 2002
"a person's a person, no matter how small"
We love you, Gabriel. I know that someday our family will be together again.

October 2009 Newsletter

I am going to archive my newsletters here on my blog so those who are not signed up to receive them can see what they are all about. (If you'd like to subscribe you can do that on my blog sidebar. I send one email a month and you can unsubscribe at any time)

Intention and awareness are the primary ingredients of existence.
Eidyn Taliesin

"One moment of instantaneous awareness brings more
clarity than a lifetime of contrived meditation. That one
moment of instantaneous awareness introduces us to that
about ourselves that will never change. In this sense,
every moment would be the ultimate meditation, no
matter what the moment may contain."
Candice O'Denver

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
Garrison Keiller


October has been designated as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month", with October 15 as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day". And yet, how many people go about with no awareness of this topic at all?

I know that until it happened to me I had no idea that babies sometimes died. With modern medicine and all the prenatal testing available how on earth can something like this occur? Sure, it happened back in the pioneer days and maybe still in third world countries. But here in the US? In 2009? How can it be that nobody talks about this?

And I ask you. How many newspaper articles have you seen this month? How many news features? Magazine articles? Billboards? Emails? Facebook updates? Ah. Well, there you go. Little by little, one by one, we add our voice to those that talk about it.

Those who have never had to deal with this sad topic prefer to go about naively. And I don't blame them. I wish I could. It is a sad subject. But once it happens to you, once you have lost a child, you know there is something sadder still. That your baby will be forgotten. Ignored. That people will pretend that they never existed. And that, for me, is what awareness is about.

Spreading awareness to me is sharing my child. Saying his name. Educating folks that instead of being silent, all they need to say is "I'm so sorry". Awareness month to me is knowing that I am not alone in remembering my boy. Through memory walks, balloon releases, kindness projects and lighting candles others remember him with me.

I invite you to particiate in a 'Wave of Light'. At 7pm your local time light a candle and place it outside for an hour. And know that you are not alone in remembering your child.

I also invite you to stop by my blog and add your baby's name to our list of children we are missing. Together we can help each other not to feel so alone.

((HUGS))
I hope today is gentle for you.
peace-
emily
gabriel's mom

Wave of Light

Just a reminder that tomorrow, October 15, is designated as 'Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day'. I know WE do not need a special day to remember our babies but it is nice that it is there.

Tomorrow night there is a 'Wave of Light' to be held at 7pm- you are encouraged to light a candle and place it outside for at least an hour. In that way there will be a wave of light throughout the timezones as these candles help remember our children.

Also, tomorrow morning I will have a post here so we all can add our babies names. However did this blog get 90 followers? And yet I know that is the tip of the iceberg for grieving moms. ((HUGS)) to us all.

I hope today is gentle for you-
peace-
emily

PS: Flood update: They tell me I will be back in my home mid next week. Fingers crossed! I promise to be a better blogger when I've got better internet.

Spreading Awareness

Thanks for all your kind words. I'm sorry I can't visit your blogs right now to respond. My internet here at the hotel isn't the best. But I appreciate your sympathetic words. We are doing well. Tired of living out of a suitcase here, but glad we are all together and healthy.

It is nearly October, which is designated as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It is often overshadowed because it is also breast cancer awareness month, a worthy cause in itself.

Do you have any ways that you plan to spread awareness? I feel really unprepared. All my items are lost in my boxes that went away when they packed us up after the flood. I should have them back in about a month, I think.

This year I'd really like to send a press release to my local paper. Does anyone have one written they'd like to share with us?

I'd love to hear your ideas. Thanks for sharing them with me.
peace-
emily

And the rain came down

Ok, it wasn't rain. It was a burst pipe in my upstairs shower. And although we were only out of the house for about 3 hours we came home to find our living room ceiling had fallen to the floor with a little waterfall and soggy soaked carpet on all 3 floors. After spending about 3 hours with a wetvac we decided to call insurance. So glad we did.

The water restoration guys have spent the last week ripping up carpet and opening up drywall to dry the house out. The thermostat currently shows at 98 degrees.

We came to the hotel expecting 5 days. Now it is looking more like 6 weeks. All our stuff is packed up and headed to a storage unit.

It definitely could have been worse. Our family is safe. Our computer, laptop, wii, all safe. But new paint and carpet all around, ba-bee!

So I will try to check back in and post in the next few days. But don't expect to see me at the Lancaster walk- all my awareness items I was going to sell are boxed up somewhere in my basement.

The one thing that I did forget and I feel terrible- I forgot to grab Gabriel's box from my living room bookcase. They packed him. I am so sad about that. I meant to take him when we left that first night but I was distracted and forgot. When I went back he had been packed. I am going over this morning to see if there is any chance to find out which box and liberate him.

Hope you all have safe and healthy weekends. I'll keep you updated.

peace-
emily

Memory Walks

Every year there are quite a few memory walks held throughout the months of September and October. We try to go to the closest SHARE walk, which is 2 hours away in Lancaster, PA. I don't get there every year because it is always held the last weekend in September, which is my husband's birthday. He doesn't always love to go to memory walks on his birthday.

However, this year we will be there. If you are close, I hope you'll stop by. I'd love to meet you.

I'm always so touched by the candle lighting as our baby's names are read. And by the fact of how NORMAL we all look. You could see the group of us all anywhere- an amusement park, a farmers market, a movie theater. You'd never know we are any different than any other families. But we have all been struck by the lightning of losing a child.

You can find info on the Lancaster, PA walk here
or check the SHARE site for other walks in your area here

Ideas to remember your baby at the holidays

Tamara emailed me, asking: "This is out first year without Luci and the 1 year anniversary of her death and I wanted to do things differently to find a way to inlcude her and her sister that died in '96. I was wondering what you did different at the holidays if anything after your baby died. Would you be willing to share your ideas with me? Thanks!"

I have heard several wonderful ideas of how to remember our babies at holiday time. And let me say, for me that starts at Thanksgiving. I haven't done all of these. Heck, that first year I was lucky to be out of my pjs and participating at all.

I love the idea to have a toast at dinner to remember all the family members not at the table. How wonderful! It can mean different things to different people.

Some people participate in an angel tree project or toys for tots. Some people make a donation to a charity of their choice.

Some people hang up a stocking with their child's name on it and ask family members to a service or write a note to put in the stocking. These can be read together as a family.

Some people include their baby in their holiday card by using a sticker or stamp that has special significance like a star, an angel or a butterfly.

I'd love to hear your ideas. What will you do?

peace-
emily

Byodo- In Temple

While I was on Oahu we visited the beautiful Byodo-In Temple in the Valley of the Temples. It was built in the 1960's to commemorate the arrival of the first Japanese immigrant workers in Hawaii. It is a replica of the 950 year old Byodoin Temple outside of Kyoto, Japan. If it looks familiar to you maybe that is because it was used in an episode of Lost.

This gorgeous temple is so peaceful (until the groundskeepers start up the leaf blowers, lol) and I'm very glad I had the opportunity to visit. There are koi, black swans, and this really cool bell to ring before you enter the temple. It is said that ringing this bell brings happiness, blessings and a long life. It was funny to me because a little boy was hanging on the post ringing and ringing the bell- afterwards he told his dad "I'm going to be so so lucky!"

And in the gardens there are these plaques to put the names of loved ones. I saw a baby 'Angel', another one with the same symbol that may be a child "Haruko Mirai" and then Jamil Ma'ema'e Dubie who's plaque said "Kealani Aloha A Me 1999 “Unborn gone without a cry We mourn but go with God now In the Arms of the Angels and ?” I tried and tried to see what the last word was but it was covered by that flower and I didn't want to step in the landscaping. I THINK the last word was 'fly'.

Anyone lucky enough to get to Hawaii should stop in and visit this beautiful, peaceful spot.

Say It With Flowers

Look at this lovely lovely site!

Scrapbooking Your Baby

I'm back! Did you miss me?

I had a great trip, and have several ideas for posts I'll be blogging the next week or so. But top priority is something I need your help with.

I had an email from a woman who is working on a scrapbook for her little nephew, Adam. She asks " I was wondering what I could do to tell his story with out being drab. He only lived 3 hours so I'm having trouble putting what I want to say into words that would honor is short life."

Any ideas for her?

My first thoughts are to document stories such as the emotions in finding out they were pregnant, how the family was told, and the love and caring expressed. Also using quotes and poems. Maybe asking others to write letters to include or send photos of Adam's name written.

I'd love to hear your ideas. How have you scrapbooked or journaled your baby's story?

Thanks so much!
peace-
emily

I'm off to visit my sister. Can I help that she lives in Hawaii? ;0) Wish me luck- I believe there is a hurricane headed that way.

I'll be back August 21. Take care of each other.

Is it just me or does this photo make us look like Siamese twins? lol

Lessons from Grief and Pain

"My grief and pain are mine. I have earned them. They are part of me. Only in feeling them do I open myself to the lessons they can teach."
-Anne Wildon Schaef



At first the pain was overwhelming. And then there came a time when the pain started to fade. And I MISSED IT. Because it felt to me that forgetting my pain meant I was forgetting my boy.

After a long while, I was able to step back from the initial grief and pain and it instead turned to tenderness towards my boy. And pride that I am chosen to be his mom.

I do think losing Gabriel taught me a lot. Patience. An appreciation for how much my parents love me. An unbefore-seen tender side of my husband. The fact that I'm a lot stronger than I ever suspected.

And mostly, a reminder to just lighten up about all the small stuff. In a flash, I was reminded of what is important. Family. Love. Our Health.

Has your grief and pain taught you any lessons?