Showing posts with label stumbling blocks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stumbling blocks. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
This week
Today starts my least favorite week of the year- Mothers Day and Gabriel's birthday. I woke up so tense and my entire body aches. There are such physical symptoms associated with grief! I am going to really try to practice relaxation techniques this week and try to avoid unnecessary stress. And I think I'll start by unfriending my husband's aunt on facebook who feels the need to come to my wall and start spouting politics. And by scheduling a massage.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
From Audra, William John's mom
Audra sent me this email and gave me permission to post it here for you all. I think she expresses so many things I feel myself. Thanks for sharing, Audra.
Hi Emily!
Martha from St Killian's RC Church send the link to your site. I was
looking at your site and thought I'd share with you the things that
were the most difficult for me after our loss. First off, I'll tell
you that we lost our son William John died shortly after birth Jan 16,
2007. We found out at our 20 week ultrasound in Sept of 2006 that he
had a fatal kidney anomaly. It was heartbreaking. I feel so thankful
that we had any time wIth him at all and feel strongly that I am a
better person for having had William in my life. People don't get
that. It is a hushed subject - never to be spoken of. I agree with
something I read on your site - people, in general act as though I'm
doing something terrible to them when I speak of my son. That makes
me so sad because I really think of his short life as a blessing.
The things that were the most difficult for me:
I have two older children, both boys, then William, then a girl and
finally a boy. After I had my daughter many people (those that knew
about William) said things like "Now you got your girl". I felt it
was really discounting my precious son (not to mention the older
boys). I felt like telling people how happy we were to have a healthy
child and that really, truly I did not care about gender. I tried to
do this without being too preachy:-)
While I was pregnant but knew how sick our son was, many people asked
about my pregnancy, not knowing that our son was dying. It never
seemed like the right time to tell such people. I mean, if I was
never going to see them again then it was easy - I said nothing about
the matter (it was too painful) simply answered their questions. "We
are having a boy." "Yes, 3 boys" "My due date is February 10."
etc. But when I knew I'd be seeing people again it got tricky. How
was I supposed to answer someone casually asking about my pregnancy at
my son's kindergarten Halloween party? or at a soccer game? It just
never seemed like the right time. And so I went the remainder of my
pregnancy with none of these acquaintances knowing about our dear baby
boy's illness. It was easier with my younger son's pre-school class.
The teacher made an announcement to the parents as they picked up
their children on the day I was induced. But my older son was bused
to kindergarten. It was terribly painful to have people asking to see
my baby weeks after he had passed. I'm sure you can imagine the
reactions I got when I told people that our son had passed away. Some
people thought they has misheard me. There were quite a few stares
and, contrary to popular belief, I did notice when people were
pointing at me and whispering. I got through it though. I felt then,
as I do now that my precious son was with me. My desire has been to
respond with love and show people that if they see me as a kind,
patient person, it is in large part, because of the love I feel for my
son - what a better person I am for having known him!
As you may know, my greatest wish is that people would talk about my
son more often. I want to tell them "Please stop saying that I have 4
Kids. I have 5!" I don't want him to be forgotten.
Things that have helped me:
Something that really helped me was writing thank you notes to the
many wonderful people that helped support us as we carried, met, and
buried our son (You'll notice I used the term "we carried" that is
because my husband, an amazing man, truly carried William with me and
his loss/ grief is as deep as my own). I also sent lunch for the
nurses at the hospital on his due date - they were amazing and I
really wanted them to feel William's birth as a positive experience -
one in which they shared.
I also gave several talks on infant loss including 2 to nurses at the
hospital at which I delivered. I had pictures of William which I
shared. I see people that were at my talks semi-regularly and there
is a special connection that is there.
I also do small acts of kindness that I dedicate in my heart to my
beloved son.
Great job on the web site! It is so wonderful what you are doing.
I'm praying that the women that need your site find it and realize
that they are not alone.
Audra
Hi Emily!
Martha from St Killian's RC Church send the link to your site. I was
looking at your site and thought I'd share with you the things that
were the most difficult for me after our loss. First off, I'll tell
you that we lost our son William John died shortly after birth Jan 16,
2007. We found out at our 20 week ultrasound in Sept of 2006 that he
had a fatal kidney anomaly. It was heartbreaking. I feel so thankful
that we had any time wIth him at all and feel strongly that I am a
better person for having had William in my life. People don't get
that. It is a hushed subject - never to be spoken of. I agree with
something I read on your site - people, in general act as though I'm
doing something terrible to them when I speak of my son. That makes
me so sad because I really think of his short life as a blessing.
The things that were the most difficult for me:
I have two older children, both boys, then William, then a girl and
finally a boy. After I had my daughter many people (those that knew
about William) said things like "Now you got your girl". I felt it
was really discounting my precious son (not to mention the older
boys). I felt like telling people how happy we were to have a healthy
child and that really, truly I did not care about gender. I tried to
do this without being too preachy:-)
While I was pregnant but knew how sick our son was, many people asked
about my pregnancy, not knowing that our son was dying. It never
seemed like the right time to tell such people. I mean, if I was
never going to see them again then it was easy - I said nothing about
the matter (it was too painful) simply answered their questions. "We
are having a boy." "Yes, 3 boys" "My due date is February 10."
etc. But when I knew I'd be seeing people again it got tricky. How
was I supposed to answer someone casually asking about my pregnancy at
my son's kindergarten Halloween party? or at a soccer game? It just
never seemed like the right time. And so I went the remainder of my
pregnancy with none of these acquaintances knowing about our dear baby
boy's illness. It was easier with my younger son's pre-school class.
The teacher made an announcement to the parents as they picked up
their children on the day I was induced. But my older son was bused
to kindergarten. It was terribly painful to have people asking to see
my baby weeks after he had passed. I'm sure you can imagine the
reactions I got when I told people that our son had passed away. Some
people thought they has misheard me. There were quite a few stares
and, contrary to popular belief, I did notice when people were
pointing at me and whispering. I got through it though. I felt then,
as I do now that my precious son was with me. My desire has been to
respond with love and show people that if they see me as a kind,
patient person, it is in large part, because of the love I feel for my
son - what a better person I am for having known him!
As you may know, my greatest wish is that people would talk about my
son more often. I want to tell them "Please stop saying that I have 4
Kids. I have 5!" I don't want him to be forgotten.
Things that have helped me:
Something that really helped me was writing thank you notes to the
many wonderful people that helped support us as we carried, met, and
buried our son (You'll notice I used the term "we carried" that is
because my husband, an amazing man, truly carried William with me and
his loss/ grief is as deep as my own). I also sent lunch for the
nurses at the hospital on his due date - they were amazing and I
really wanted them to feel William's birth as a positive experience -
one in which they shared.
I also gave several talks on infant loss including 2 to nurses at the
hospital at which I delivered. I had pictures of William which I
shared. I see people that were at my talks semi-regularly and there
is a special connection that is there.
I also do small acts of kindness that I dedicate in my heart to my
beloved son.
Great job on the web site! It is so wonderful what you are doing.
I'm praying that the women that need your site find it and realize
that they are not alone.
Audra
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I had an email from Jess, sharing her stepping stones with us. Thanks for letting me post this, Jess!! ((hugs))
The thing that was the most helpful for me has been meeting other women through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope or from reading there blogs. And also from starting my own blog. With my first miscarriage (my second was 2 weeks ago and my first was 2/11/10) I did not want to be judged so I kept quiet like unfortunately most women do.
What was the most difficult was going through my second D & C - I cried from the minute I entered the pre-surgery area. People kept asking why I was so upset. I thought it should be rather obvious! The second which was the reason why I was so quiet the first time was people's reactions when I told them I had a miscarriage. They looked horrified! I was so offended. I am the one going through this not them - how dare they look offended because of my pain! I still can't get over that. Now I have a blog and I could care less. If it bothers them then they better not talk to me (lol) because these are my children and I will talk about them whenever I want to! The Sunday before Oct. 15th I am singing "I will carry you" by Selah at church and putting up a powerpoint of the words with the dates of my angels and the date of pregnancy loss awareness day. I am praying that nothing happens that will upset me. I mean I am SURE I will cry when I am done with the song (hopefully not during though) but I hope no one acts appalled.
The thing that was the most helpful for me has been meeting other women through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope or from reading there blogs. And also from starting my own blog. With my first miscarriage (my second was 2 weeks ago and my first was 2/11/10) I did not want to be judged so I kept quiet like unfortunately most women do.
What was the most difficult was going through my second D & C - I cried from the minute I entered the pre-surgery area. People kept asking why I was so upset. I thought it should be rather obvious! The second which was the reason why I was so quiet the first time was people's reactions when I told them I had a miscarriage. They looked horrified! I was so offended. I am the one going through this not them - how dare they look offended because of my pain! I still can't get over that. Now I have a blog and I could care less. If it bothers them then they better not talk to me (lol) because these are my children and I will talk about them whenever I want to! The Sunday before Oct. 15th I am singing "I will carry you" by Selah at church and putting up a powerpoint of the words with the dates of my angels and the date of pregnancy loss awareness day. I am praying that nothing happens that will upset me. I mean I am SURE I will cry when I am done with the song (hopefully not during though) but I hope no one acts appalled.
Friday, May 7, 2010
True History of Mother's Day
I'm lifting this from Kara Jones post over at FaveCraftsBlog- to read her whole post click here. And if you have a few minutes, visit Kara's blogs MotherHenna.com and Kota:Knowing Ourselves Through Art
...They were handing out fliers sharing the writing of Julia Ward Howe, first published in 1870 as a protest against the carnage and violence of the Civil War. This was a protest led by women whose sons had died! Bereaved mothers started this tradition of Mothers Day! In the beginning, this was a day of protest, an expression of horrified grief from bereaved mothers who were parted from their sons!! Wow. Okay. That’s a different spin.
So what did Julia have to say back in 1870? You read and see for yourself:
Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether our baptism be that of water or of fears!
Say firmly: “We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We women of one country will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with our own. It says “Disarm, Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.”
Blood does not wipe our dishonor nor violence indicate possession. As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after their own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, but of God.
In the name of womanhood and of humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality may be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.
Julia Ward Howe
Boston
1870
Mothers Day came as an answer to Julia’s proclamation. It started as a ceremony of bereavement and then as a movement for peace and action to stop the senseless deaths of children everywhere. Our society can commercialize all they want. Because in my heart of hearts I know the real meaning of this day came from pain, loss, and grief — the same things I am prone to feel on any given Mothers Day. And from now on, when people urge me to celebrate the day, I tell them this:
I’ll celebrate with you if you will first mourn with me. It is the combination of the two that lends itself to the true meaning of Mothers Day!
...They were handing out fliers sharing the writing of Julia Ward Howe, first published in 1870 as a protest against the carnage and violence of the Civil War. This was a protest led by women whose sons had died! Bereaved mothers started this tradition of Mothers Day! In the beginning, this was a day of protest, an expression of horrified grief from bereaved mothers who were parted from their sons!! Wow. Okay. That’s a different spin.
So what did Julia have to say back in 1870? You read and see for yourself:
Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether our baptism be that of water or of fears!
Say firmly: “We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We women of one country will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with our own. It says “Disarm, Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.”
Blood does not wipe our dishonor nor violence indicate possession. As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after their own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, but of God.
In the name of womanhood and of humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality may be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.
Julia Ward Howe
Boston
1870
Mothers Day came as an answer to Julia’s proclamation. It started as a ceremony of bereavement and then as a movement for peace and action to stop the senseless deaths of children everywhere. Our society can commercialize all they want. Because in my heart of hearts I know the real meaning of this day came from pain, loss, and grief — the same things I am prone to feel on any given Mothers Day. And from now on, when people urge me to celebrate the day, I tell them this:
I’ll celebrate with you if you will first mourn with me. It is the combination of the two that lends itself to the true meaning of Mothers Day!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Beware the movie: Up
I am going to say straight off I have NOT seen this movie yet- my husband and kids went to see it last weekend. But on SHARE today someone mentioned to be careful because UP has a theme of pregnancy loss in it.
As soon as my husband walked in the door I asked him. "Oh, yeah", he says. "I forgot."
I guess at the beginning as they are showing the old man's history they do it by flashbacks and show his wife crying in the doctor's office. They don't go into specifics so you don't know if there is a loss, or infertility or what but it is there.
I have heard it is a great, wonderful, fantastic movie. But be careful. I hate when I'm already fragile and then get hit with something like this unexpectedly.
Has anyone seen it? What do you think? I hear there is a happy ending.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Anniversary Dates
I know some of you are very early in your journey, and I'm so sorry you have had to start down this path at all. I wish I could help make it easier. Some others of us are a little further along and have experienced anniversary dates. They are tough. I just had Gabriel's 7th anniversary on Sunday. And yes, it sucked.
I kept giving myself advice. Do you ever do that? Hear little voices in your head telling you what to do? I think: "If someone had posted this question on a message board, what advice would I give them?" Because I am so chock full of advice when it comes to message boards. Ask me anything about parenting, health, school situations or life and I'm glad to tell you what to do. But when it comes to actually doing it myself or giving myself that same advice that it gets tougher.
Anyway.
I kept giving myself advice I might tell someone else about surviving an anniversary date. Here are some of my little gems:
The days or weeks leading up to the date are harder than the day itself. This is usually true for me. Sunday was pretty ok until I hit about 1:00 and then I just crashed. I ended up in my backyard hammock for 3 solid hours just sleeping and watching the birds fly around down in the swampy area behind my house
Don't make a lot of plans until you see how you feel that day. Give yourself permission to stay in bed or in the house if you don't feel like going out. Yes, yes, I did this. But also I knew that I wanted to go to the cemetary and have cookies with my family and let a balloon go, so I had to force myself out of the house at some point. I usually make my husband take the day off of work, but he didn't need to do that this year because it was Sunday.
Do a random act of kindness for someone else in memory of your child. I had done this throughout the month of May. Whenever I started feeling kind of sad or freaked out I did something for someone else
Make some kind of tangible memento to put in Gabriel's scrapbook In the past this has included taking a photo of the sky on Gabriel's day and also writing a letter to him. I try to do a scrapbook page each year to continue to add to his scrapbook
I'd love to hear what you have done on anniversary dates. Thanks so much for sharing with us what helps.
peace-
emily
I kept giving myself advice. Do you ever do that? Hear little voices in your head telling you what to do? I think: "If someone had posted this question on a message board, what advice would I give them?" Because I am so chock full of advice when it comes to message boards. Ask me anything about parenting, health, school situations or life and I'm glad to tell you what to do. But when it comes to actually doing it myself or giving myself that same advice that it gets tougher.
Anyway.
I kept giving myself advice I might tell someone else about surviving an anniversary date. Here are some of my little gems:
The days or weeks leading up to the date are harder than the day itself. This is usually true for me. Sunday was pretty ok until I hit about 1:00 and then I just crashed. I ended up in my backyard hammock for 3 solid hours just sleeping and watching the birds fly around down in the swampy area behind my house
Don't make a lot of plans until you see how you feel that day. Give yourself permission to stay in bed or in the house if you don't feel like going out. Yes, yes, I did this. But also I knew that I wanted to go to the cemetary and have cookies with my family and let a balloon go, so I had to force myself out of the house at some point. I usually make my husband take the day off of work, but he didn't need to do that this year because it was Sunday.
Do a random act of kindness for someone else in memory of your child. I had done this throughout the month of May. Whenever I started feeling kind of sad or freaked out I did something for someone else
Make some kind of tangible memento to put in Gabriel's scrapbook In the past this has included taking a photo of the sky on Gabriel's day and also writing a letter to him. I try to do a scrapbook page each year to continue to add to his scrapbook
I'd love to hear what you have done on anniversary dates. Thanks so much for sharing with us what helps.
peace-
emily
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Happy Mother's Day
I wanted to let you know I am thinking about you all this Mother's Day. It seems wrong to say "Happy" Mother's Day, but you loved and do love your babies as much as any mom and I hope Sunday is a special day. I'm so sorry your babies are not with you.
For me, I can't believe it is 7 years since Gabriel was stillborn. I'm not sure what the plan is for Sunday. I am reserving the right to stay in bed if that is what I need to do. Often we go for a hike on Gabriel's day. In the evening we go to a nearby church cemetary (even though Gabriel is cremated, he is not there) and have a family ceremony where we talk, eat cupcakes and let a balloon go.
I hope it is a gentle, peaceful day for all us moms. This week has been terrible. I keep telling myself what I tell other moms- the weeks or days leading up to an anniversary date are often harder than the day itself. I hope this is actually true.
((hugs))
emily
For me, I can't believe it is 7 years since Gabriel was stillborn. I'm not sure what the plan is for Sunday. I am reserving the right to stay in bed if that is what I need to do. Often we go for a hike on Gabriel's day. In the evening we go to a nearby church cemetary (even though Gabriel is cremated, he is not there) and have a family ceremony where we talk, eat cupcakes and let a balloon go.
I hope it is a gentle, peaceful day for all us moms. This week has been terrible. I keep telling myself what I tell other moms- the weeks or days leading up to an anniversary date are often harder than the day itself. I hope this is actually true.
((hugs))
emily
Monday, April 27, 2009
How Many Kids Do You Have? Stumbling Block
How do you answer this question?
I know this was one thing that was hard in the early days that kind of caught me unexpectedly. It was hard to talk about Gabriel, and also equally hard NOT to talk about him. It was wrong either way- whether I included him or not.
Even after 7 years this question still gives me pause. Usually, I just mention my living kids, unless it is someone I will know well or will have a longer relationship with.
More often lately though I've been running into people commenting what a 'perfect' family I have- two girls, two boys. I usually bite my tongue because I know it is not even-steven, not perfect. It is 2 girls, 3 boys. Or rather, it should be.
There is an 8 year gap between my older two and my younger two. A gaping hole in my family where Gabriel should be.
What do YOU say when someone asks 'How many kids do you have?'. Do you answer differently than your husband?
peace-
emily
I know this was one thing that was hard in the early days that kind of caught me unexpectedly. It was hard to talk about Gabriel, and also equally hard NOT to talk about him. It was wrong either way- whether I included him or not.
Even after 7 years this question still gives me pause. Usually, I just mention my living kids, unless it is someone I will know well or will have a longer relationship with.
More often lately though I've been running into people commenting what a 'perfect' family I have- two girls, two boys. I usually bite my tongue because I know it is not even-steven, not perfect. It is 2 girls, 3 boys. Or rather, it should be.
There is an 8 year gap between my older two and my younger two. A gaping hole in my family where Gabriel should be.
What do YOU say when someone asks 'How many kids do you have?'. Do you answer differently than your husband?
peace-
emily
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Stumbling Blocks- What were yours?
I'm about 6 weeks out from Gabriel's day- I can't believe we are going on 7 years. Unreal.
I was thinking back to the early days. The shock. The numbness. The two-steps-forward, one-(or two or three)steps-back.
How do you help someone through those early days? What were some of the little landmines? Is there any way to 'prepare' someone for these? To make life just a little easier?
Some things that I remember being very difficult (some unexpectedly so) for me were:
Going out in public and fearing I'd run into someone I'd have to tell
Getting the mail (and the formula samples and the 'Congratulations!' mailers)
Getting a phone call from my dentist telling me I didn't 'take my dental hygiene seriously' because I asked to reschedule our appointment the day I got home from the hospital.
Seeing pregnant women (and infants) everywhere- Target, the grocery store
Being asked "How many kids do you have?" and not having an answer prepared
Telling my then 4 and 5 year old kids that we were not going to have a new baby. And the very honest reaction of my 5 year old daughter as she started to scream "But he just didn't have a chance to live!"
The middle of the night
The 6 week follow up doctor's visit
What were some things that were most difficult for you?
I was thinking back to the early days. The shock. The numbness. The two-steps-forward, one-(or two or three)steps-back.
How do you help someone through those early days? What were some of the little landmines? Is there any way to 'prepare' someone for these? To make life just a little easier?
Some things that I remember being very difficult (some unexpectedly so) for me were:
Going out in public and fearing I'd run into someone I'd have to tell
Getting the mail (and the formula samples and the 'Congratulations!' mailers)
Getting a phone call from my dentist telling me I didn't 'take my dental hygiene seriously' because I asked to reschedule our appointment the day I got home from the hospital.
Seeing pregnant women (and infants) everywhere- Target, the grocery store
Being asked "How many kids do you have?" and not having an answer prepared
Telling my then 4 and 5 year old kids that we were not going to have a new baby. And the very honest reaction of my 5 year old daughter as she started to scream "But he just didn't have a chance to live!"
The middle of the night
The 6 week follow up doctor's visit
What were some things that were most difficult for you?
Friday, February 27, 2009
Stumbling Block! Other People's Pregnancies
I received this email from Amber and related so much to what she says:
Something that has been difficult for me is that I had 2 other sisters who were pregnant while I was. One who was due in October and one who was due in January (almost exactly a month before me). When I lost Gunnar, it was so hard for me to even be around my sisters. Even though I was so happy for them, it was so hard. One sister had had several miscarriages and the other had been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years. They had both had their own struggles so they each deserved their happiness. When my first sister had her babies (twins!) in October, I couldn't even go around those babies for a long time. Of course I called her and made some meals for her, but it was so hard to be around them. I finally went to see them and in doing so, it helped heal my hurt a little. When I held each one of those beautiful miracles, I cried but it felt good to in a way "fill my void".
When I was pregnant with Gabriel my sister and sister-in-law were pregnant at the same time. Actually, with my 3 siblings and my husband's 4 sisters there has been one or the other of us pregnant at any given time for the past 12 years. There may have been others pregnant at that same time. I've mostly blocked it out.
That is kind of how my brain deals with people being pregnant, even now. Isn't that terrible? It is like I am pretending they aren't pregnant until they 'SHOW ME THE BABY' (do you hear me doing a Cuba Gooding accent from Jerry Maguire?) Sorry. I shouldn't make light of it. I don't mean to. But I no longer equate 'pregnant' with the end result of 'going to have a baby'. It's terrible. I know. So cynical. It makes my husband crazy.
Anyway.
I remember specifically my sister being pregnant because we had a conversation at that time about it. She felt so bad- terrible. Guilty, almost. That she was pregnant and I wasn't. It was easy for me to be magnanimous about it because she lives in Hawaii and I didn't have to see her big pregnant belly every day. I didn't begrudge her HER baby. I just wanted mine. If you know what I mean.
My other sister in law lives here, close by. And it WAS hard to be around her. And especially when her little baby came home. But she and my brother asked permission to give their baby 'Gabriel' for a middle name. How kind to honor him in that way. I know some people do not like others using their baby's names because a name is the only unique thing we are left with. But this was kindly done and I appreciate it.
I thought it interesting that Amber expressed it was healing to hold babies. I have heard others say that, too. For me, I can not hold other people's babies. Still, today, it is hard for me. I rarely do. I will ooh and aah over them but do not hold them.
Thanks so much to Amber for sharing this email with us.
peace-
emily
Something that has been difficult for me is that I had 2 other sisters who were pregnant while I was. One who was due in October and one who was due in January (almost exactly a month before me). When I lost Gunnar, it was so hard for me to even be around my sisters. Even though I was so happy for them, it was so hard. One sister had had several miscarriages and the other had been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years. They had both had their own struggles so they each deserved their happiness. When my first sister had her babies (twins!) in October, I couldn't even go around those babies for a long time. Of course I called her and made some meals for her, but it was so hard to be around them. I finally went to see them and in doing so, it helped heal my hurt a little. When I held each one of those beautiful miracles, I cried but it felt good to in a way "fill my void".
When I was pregnant with Gabriel my sister and sister-in-law were pregnant at the same time. Actually, with my 3 siblings and my husband's 4 sisters there has been one or the other of us pregnant at any given time for the past 12 years. There may have been others pregnant at that same time. I've mostly blocked it out.
That is kind of how my brain deals with people being pregnant, even now. Isn't that terrible? It is like I am pretending they aren't pregnant until they 'SHOW ME THE BABY' (do you hear me doing a Cuba Gooding accent from Jerry Maguire?) Sorry. I shouldn't make light of it. I don't mean to. But I no longer equate 'pregnant' with the end result of 'going to have a baby'. It's terrible. I know. So cynical. It makes my husband crazy.
Anyway.
I remember specifically my sister being pregnant because we had a conversation at that time about it. She felt so bad- terrible. Guilty, almost. That she was pregnant and I wasn't. It was easy for me to be magnanimous about it because she lives in Hawaii and I didn't have to see her big pregnant belly every day. I didn't begrudge her HER baby. I just wanted mine. If you know what I mean.
My other sister in law lives here, close by. And it WAS hard to be around her. And especially when her little baby came home. But she and my brother asked permission to give their baby 'Gabriel' for a middle name. How kind to honor him in that way. I know some people do not like others using their baby's names because a name is the only unique thing we are left with. But this was kindly done and I appreciate it.
I thought it interesting that Amber expressed it was healing to hold babies. I have heard others say that, too. For me, I can not hold other people's babies. Still, today, it is hard for me. I rarely do. I will ooh and aah over them but do not hold them.
Thanks so much to Amber for sharing this email with us.
peace-
emily
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Signs of Grief
This list is provided as a resource. If you feel overwhelmed or beyond help PLEASE tell someone and get help. There are many excellent resources for depression or people feeling suicidal thoughts. Please do not suffer in silence. Here are some common signs of grief. They may include the following:
Physical Sensations
Tightness in chest
Tightness in throat
Oversensitivity to noise
Depersonalization
Breathlessness
Headaches
Weakness in muscles
Lack of energy
Dry mouth
Trouble swallowing
Hollowness in the stomach
sighing
Behaviors
Sleep problems
No appetite
Forgetfulness
Social withdrawals
Dreams of deceased
Avoidance of reminders
Calling out
Restless Activity
Crying
Clinging to reminders
Treasuring objects
Feelings
Sadness
Anger
Guilt
Anxiety
Loneliness
Fatigue
Helplessness
Shock
Yearning
Numbness
Relief
Thoughts
Disbelief
Confusion
Pre-occupation
Sense of presence
Hearing and seeing the deceased
Physical Sensations
Tightness in chest
Tightness in throat
Oversensitivity to noise
Depersonalization
Breathlessness
Headaches
Weakness in muscles
Lack of energy
Dry mouth
Trouble swallowing
Hollowness in the stomach
sighing
Behaviors
Sleep problems
No appetite
Forgetfulness
Social withdrawals
Dreams of deceased
Avoidance of reminders
Calling out
Restless Activity
Crying
Clinging to reminders
Treasuring objects
Feelings
Sadness
Anger
Guilt
Anxiety
Loneliness
Fatigue
Helplessness
Shock
Yearning
Numbness
Relief
Thoughts
Disbelief
Confusion
Pre-occupation
Sense of presence
Hearing and seeing the deceased
How to get removed from baby mailing lists
It is a difficult time- you come home without your child and it seems like everyone around you gets back to their own lives. And then the mail starts. Little diapers in the mail. Samples of formula. Postcards welcoming your child. Milestone checklists of what your child should be doing at this stage. Each trip to the mailbox is a little ticking time bomb.
There is a way to get your name off these lists. Ask a friend or family member to help if you need it.
Contact Direct Marketing Association and request the removal of your name from any baby product mailing list. Provide your name and address. You need to request all variations of your name should be removed such as Mr & Mrs. John Doe, Mary and John Doe, Parents of Baby Doe, etc. It can take up to 90 days to take effect.
Mail inquiries to Direct Marketing Association Mail Preference Service, P.O. Box 282, Carmel, NY 10512 or visit https://www.dmaconsumers.org/cgi/offmailing to fill out an online form.
This information is provided as a service and I can't guarantee effectiveness, but it is what was provided to me. Good luck- gentle days, emily
There is a way to get your name off these lists. Ask a friend or family member to help if you need it.
Contact Direct Marketing Association and request the removal of your name from any baby product mailing list. Provide your name and address. You need to request all variations of your name should be removed such as Mr & Mrs. John Doe, Mary and John Doe, Parents of Baby Doe, etc. It can take up to 90 days to take effect.
Mail inquiries to Direct Marketing Association Mail Preference Service, P.O. Box 282, Carmel, NY 10512 or visit https://www.dmaconsumers.org/cgi/offmailing to fill out an online form.
This information is provided as a service and I can't guarantee effectiveness, but it is what was provided to me. Good luck- gentle days, emily
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