Tuesday, October 27, 2009

From a grieving mom

I received a very touching email from Holly. She said I could share it with you in the hopes that it may help someone else possibly feeling the same way to know they aren't alone. I appreciate so much her willingness to reach out. ((hugs)) to Holly. We are remembering your baby with you.


I stumbled upon your blog several months ago after I miscarried, and I thank you for putting your thoughts and feelings out there for so many of us looking for something to help us cope. Though every day is still a struggle for me, I find a small amount of comfort knowing I'm not the only one to experience this deep loss and struggle with its aftermath.

The hardest thing for me at this point is that it has been three months since I miscarried, and hardly anyone knows, making me feel as though I have no where to turn for help or comfort. We didn't want to spread the news until we heard a heartbeat. That day never came. My husband's parents and a select few of my girlfriends knew of our pregnancy, and when it ended no one would talk about it. No one called, no one emailed, no one came to our house to check on us. It was as if it never happened. In the weeks that followed a few calls came in. "I just wanted to give you your space, your privacy..." That was the last thing I wanted. I wanted, and still want, someone to tell me they are sorry, that they understand, that they would love to just come over and talk. Anything. I wish the whole dang world knew so I could at least feel like I can show how I feel on the inside, instead of trying to put on a happy face every day. I hate it. I feel like I act my way through every day, holding in my feelings and watching everyone else's lives progress while I feel like I'm at a standstill. Even my husband has moved on and doesn't understand why I still feel so horrible about our loss.

Not only that, but my best friend and I were due at the same time. She is still pregnant and has found out the gender of her baby. She's completely quit talking to me, and right now, as horrible as it feels and sounds, I'm glad. I hate it that she gets what we both wanted, and here I am in agony every day while she paints her nursery and picks out names.

I have finally arranged some counseling that I will begin in November. I have my reservations about talking to a stranger about this, as having a friend or loved one to speak to would be more comfortable. I just don't know any other avenues to take to help myself when no one knows I need the help.

If you can use this for your writing on your blog, please do. There may be a woman out there who is in the exact same situation and doesn't know where to go or what to do next.

Again, thank you for sharing your story.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Asking for Help

This is what I've been thinking on lately. How are you at asking and accepting help? I pretty much stink at it. I just feel that I should be able to do it on my own. People offer "Let me know if there is anything you need" or even "What can I do to help" and I usually tell them I am fine.

I remember that when Gabriel died we were in the hospital for 3 days waiting for him to be born. And (this is really stupid) but I remember worrying because I knew that my lawn needed cut. It was really long to start with and my HOA gets really annoyingly picky about stuff like that. But I think this is a pretty good example, really. I'm sure one of my neighbors would have done it for us in a heartbeat. It is a concrete something that they could have done, if only I had asked.

Now we are going through this situation with our house. It has been 6 weeks and insurance will no longer pay for a hotel since they feel work should be done. But it isn't. Our house is not ready for us to move into. So we are at my mom's house. This is not ideal.

People are asking "What can we do to help?" and it is just so hard. The real answer is come help me clean up after all the construction. Bring me a meal or two. Watch my kids so I can work uninterrupted.

Instead I say "Oh, we're fine! Thanks!"

Why do I do this? Do you do it, too? Why is it so hard to accept help?

edited to add: I'm sorry if this is kind of a pity party. I don't really mean it that way. I do feel fortunate and know that things could be a lot worse. I'm glad it is just STUFF and not health issues or anything like that.


Friday, October 16, 2009

Grieving the Loss of a Grandchild

Yesterday my article "Grieving the Loss of a Grandchild" was featured on the site GrandparentsTLC This is a great site that shows grandparents how to use technology to connect with their grandchildren.

I appreciate the chance to talk about how a grandparent can help their child when a grandchild dies. Not so long ago the attitude was that a mom should not see her baby, but instead should forget and have another child as soon as possible to get over the loss. It was a different time, a different generation. And grandparents are in a unique position that they are grieving the loss of their grandchild and also are seeing their child hurting. It's tough.

Click on GrandparentsTLC:Grieving the Loss of a Grandchild and check it out. Thanks to Grandpa Shayne for posting my article.


Thursday, October 15, 2009

Our children

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and tonight at 7pm there will be a 'Wave of Light' as families light candles for their babies and place them outside for an hour. It helps so much to know that I am not the only one remembering Gabriel on this day.

I invite you to post below with your baby's name and if you'd like, a message, poem or quote for them.

I know there are many readers who do not or can not post here. If you want me to add your baby's name for you please send me an email at nickwilberg @ hotmail.com

Gabriel Wilberg
May 10, 2002
"a person's a person, no matter how small"
We love you, Gabriel. I know that someday our family will be together again.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

October 2009 Newsletter

I am going to archive my newsletters here on my blog so those who are not signed up to receive them can see what they are all about. (If you'd like to subscribe you can do that on my blog sidebar. I send one email a month and you can unsubscribe at any time)

Intention and awareness are the primary ingredients of existence.
Eidyn Taliesin

"One moment of instantaneous awareness brings more
clarity than a lifetime of contrived meditation. That one
moment of instantaneous awareness introduces us to that
about ourselves that will never change. In this sense,
every moment would be the ultimate meditation, no
matter what the moment may contain."

Candice O'Denver

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
Garrison Keiller

October has been designated as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month", with October 15 as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day". And yet, how many people go about with no awareness of this topic at all?

I know that until it happened to me I had no idea that babies sometimes died. With modern medicine and all the prenatal testing available how on earth can something like this occur? Sure, it happened back in the pioneer days and maybe still in third world countries. But here in the US? In 2009? How can it be that nobody talks about this?

And I ask you. How many newspaper articles have you seen this month? How many news features? Magazine articles? Billboards? Emails? Facebook updates? Ah. Well, there you go. Little by little, one by one, we add our voice to those that talk about it.

Those who have never had to deal with this sad topic prefer to go about naively. And I don't blame them. I wish I could. It is a sad subject. But once it happens to you, once you have lost a child, you know there is something sadder still. That your baby will be forgotten. Ignored. That people will pretend that they never existed. And that, for me, is what awareness is about.

Spreading awareness to me is sharing my child. Saying his name. Educating folks that instead of being silent, all they need to say is "I'm so sorry". Awareness month to me is knowing that I am not alone in remembering my boy. Through memory walks, balloon releases, kindness projects and lighting candles others remember him with me.

I invite you to particiate in a 'Wave of Light'. At 7pm your local time light a candle and place it outside for an hour. And know that you are not alone in remembering your child.

I also invite you to stop by my blog and add your baby's name to our list of children we are missing. Together we can help each other not to feel so alone.

I hope today is gentle for you.
gabriel's mom

Wave of Light

Just a reminder that tomorrow, October 15, is designated as 'Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day'. I know WE do not need a special day to remember our babies but it is nice that it is there.

Tomorrow night there is a 'Wave of Light' to be held at 7pm- you are encouraged to light a candle and place it outside for at least an hour. In that way there will be a wave of light throughout the timezones as these candles help remember our children.

Also, tomorrow morning I will have a post here so we all can add our babies names. However did this blog get 90 followers? And yet I know that is the tip of the iceberg for grieving moms. ((HUGS)) to us all.

I hope today is gentle for you-

PS: Flood update: They tell me I will be back in my home mid next week. Fingers crossed! I promise to be a better blogger when I've got better internet.