Happy? Halloween

Is anyone else not crazy about Halloween? I just don't find tombstones/skeletons/zombies that amusing anymore. It makes me shudder that when my oldest daughter was little I dressed her up as a baby angel for her first Halloween. What was I thinking? I can't even look at those photos anymore. And most the skeletons and skull decorations are not full size, so I keep thinking they are exactly child size.

Anyway, just having a kind of weirded out week so thought I'd throw my ramblings out there to see if anyone else is having similar thoughts.

Hope this week is gentle for you-
emily

No right or wrong

In the interest of 'keepin it real' I wanted to tell you about a conversation my husband and I had the week before Gabriel's birthday.

Me: Did you get Gabriel's birthday off from work next week?
Him: When is it?
Me: Really? You don't know when it is?
Him: I try not to think about it. I just can't do that.

Try not to smack your husband when and if this happens to you.

Just because I mark it on the calendar and cautiously anticipate it from the minute the calendar flips around New Years does not mean I am right and he is wrong. We are both right. However you need to be to get through is right for you.


((hugs))
emily

"My hands are full"

We recently took a roadtrip down to Florida and did all the things you do in Florida-get sunburned, eat oranges, go to the beach, Disney, and snorkeling. It was a good trip. I was thinking about Gabriel a ton because it was nearly identical to the trip we had planned (and ended up taking) 2 weeks after Gabriel was stillborn. I felt a little like he was looking over my shoulder.

Now, let me tell you for a second about my kids. I have 2 older ones who are now in their teens. They were 3-4 when Gabriel died. And we waited years after his death before I could bear to think about trying again. And so there is a 8 year gap before my younger 2. I think it is fitting that hole is in my family. Because there IS a hole in my family.

People often comment on my kids. Either the "Oh, 2 boys and 2 girls- perfect!" which of course isn't perfect, there is supposed to be 3 boys. OR they ask about the 8 year gap. I usually just smile and thank them.

But I had a conversation with a lady that started kind of differently. I think that is why it caught me off guard, kind of.

Lady: "So, are these all your kids or are you babysitting or something?"
Me: "They are all mine"
Lady: "Wow!"
Me: "Yep" (they were running like lunatics through the parking lot at the Wild Bird Rescue Center)
Lady: "You sure have your hands full"
Me: "Well, that is better than having my hands empty"


Just kidding. That's what I wished I had said. What I actually said was,
Me: "Yep, in the best way possible"

Not a day goes by I still don't miss my little boy.
I hope today is gentle for you
peace-
emily

Word of the Year

So.. a few folks have asked me what my word of the year is. I've been thinking on it. I want something that inspires me, I want something that motivates me. I want to get going on my many projects. I want to be healthier, I want to lose 15 pounds. I want to walk a 50 mile stretch of the Appalachian Trail this year. I want to be organized, I want to be involved with my kids and their schools.

So.. I've been tossing it around and I'm going to pick ACTIVE.

from thesaurus.com (I'm combining two entries from there)
Main Entry: active
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: having movement
Synonyms: agile, alert, alive, animated, astir, at work, bold, brisk, bustling, busy, chipper, daring, dashing, determined, diligent, dynamic, eager, effective, efficacious, energetic, engaged, enlivened, enterprising, enthusiastic, eventful, exertive, fireball, flowing, forceful, fresh, frisky, functioning, going, hard-working, high-spirited, impelling, industrious, in force, in play, in process, inventive, keen, lively, mobile, movable, moving, nimble, on the move, operating, operative, perky, persevering, progressive, purposeful, pushing, quick, rapid, ready, resolute, rolling, running, sharp, simmering, speeding, speedy, sprightly, spry, streaming, swarming, traveling, turning, walking, whiz, working, zealous

Don't I want to be that person?

Here is my pep talk in my head:
Get moving!
Get going!
Go do something good today!

Does anyone else find it ironic that it took me a few days to do this?

I'd love to hear what your word is- leave a link below.

peace!
emily

Gearing up for New Years

This week between Christmas and New Years is always a big blur to me. And I'm not a drinker.

It is a lot of nit-picky, clean-up stuff from this last year in preparation for a big fresh new DO-OVER of next year. It is kind of like how every Monday is a fresh start for my diet and exercise program (my program that I don't have.. I keep telling myself I'll start it next Monday.. a day that never comes)but NEW YEARS is HUGE! A brand new chance! To do it, get started with my goals. My chance to get organized, my chance to get my act together and really be where I want to be.

So, in preparation, I'll share a few of my 'inspirational' quotes I've got rolling around in my head.


"Tomorrow is fresh, with no mistakes in it."
— L.M. Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables)

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."
-Dr. Seuss

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
-Dr. Seuss



You can’t do EVERYTHING. But you can do SOMETHING.
Helen Keller

15 minutes a day to create something beautiful. We can do so much if we just GET STARTED

The Importance of Friends

I've been thinking about this a lot recently. Last weekend I had an old roommate visit (we aren't old, but you know what I mean). I haven't seen her in about 15 years and we had lost touch but recently reconnected on facebook. Anyway, I was making a big deal about having my kids clean up and telling them the schedule of how things were going to go while my friend was here. And my 4yo said it. "I didn't know you had a friend!"

It made me think.
I have sister in laws.
I have visiting teachers.
I have other folks from who come and go from my home.
but no, I really don't have many 'friends' in real life.

And yet, online?
Lots of people I consider 'friends'
They are the first to console me when I'm feeling sad
The first to congratulate me when I've got good news
The first to commiserate with me when I'm stressed or unhappy
They've sent me cards, chocolate, and gifts
They reach out and let me know they care

I do think online friends are real friends. Even though I may never get a chance to sit down with them in real life, we definitely share connections and get involved in each other's lives in a way I don't often do with people in the real world.

And today one of my online friends is hurting.

Some of you may know Yaya. She's awesome. She's funny and real, and she and her husband Josh have been through a lot- pregnancy loss, infertility, the ups and downs of adoption. And today she is hurting a lot. It's not my story to tell, but if you know Yaya, you know she is always reaching out to those of us who need support. And today she could use ours.

Go on over to her blog and send a little love.




((HUGS)) Yaya
Thank you to all my online 'friends'
I hope today is gentle for you.
peace-
emily

Just a reminder to enter my giveaway HERE

A Little Crazy!

So I've posted more in the past ten minutes than in the last 2 months put together. You think to yourself, 'What the heck is that crazy lady over at Stepping Stones up to?'. Well, I'll tell you..

I'm posting back issues of my newsletter, which is something I've meant to do for awhile (and I'm also avoiding opening all these boxes here in real life now that we are finally back in the house after the flood) but I found out something pretty amazing. My first newsletter was a year ago this week. The week before Thanksgiving. How cool is that?

Add to this the fact that I now have 100 followers. How the heck did THAT happen? I'm so humbled that anyone is interested in anything I might have to say. Let alone hundreds. Well, a hundred. and two.

But I bet you WILL be interested in this next thing I'm going to say.

To celebrate this perfect storm of my anniversary of my first newsletter, a year anniversary of my blog and 100 followers... Let's have a giveaway! It's about time, I'm thinking!

So watch here for details coming soon in the next day or so..

peace-
emily

Asking for Help

This is what I've been thinking on lately. How are you at asking and accepting help? I pretty much stink at it. I just feel that I should be able to do it on my own. People offer "Let me know if there is anything you need" or even "What can I do to help" and I usually tell them I am fine.

I remember that when Gabriel died we were in the hospital for 3 days waiting for him to be born. And (this is really stupid) but I remember worrying because I knew that my lawn needed cut. It was really long to start with and my HOA gets really annoyingly picky about stuff like that. But I think this is a pretty good example, really. I'm sure one of my neighbors would have done it for us in a heartbeat. It is a concrete something that they could have done, if only I had asked.

Now we are going through this situation with our house. It has been 6 weeks and insurance will no longer pay for a hotel since they feel work should be done. But it isn't. Our house is not ready for us to move into. So we are at my mom's house. This is not ideal.

People are asking "What can we do to help?" and it is just so hard. The real answer is come help me clean up after all the construction. Bring me a meal or two. Watch my kids so I can work uninterrupted.

Instead I say "Oh, we're fine! Thanks!"

Why do I do this? Do you do it, too? Why is it so hard to accept help?

edited to add: I'm sorry if this is kind of a pity party. I don't really mean it that way. I do feel fortunate and know that things could be a lot worse. I'm glad it is just STUFF and not health issues or anything like that.

peace-
emily

And the rain came down

Ok, it wasn't rain. It was a burst pipe in my upstairs shower. And although we were only out of the house for about 3 hours we came home to find our living room ceiling had fallen to the floor with a little waterfall and soggy soaked carpet on all 3 floors. After spending about 3 hours with a wetvac we decided to call insurance. So glad we did.

The water restoration guys have spent the last week ripping up carpet and opening up drywall to dry the house out. The thermostat currently shows at 98 degrees.

We came to the hotel expecting 5 days. Now it is looking more like 6 weeks. All our stuff is packed up and headed to a storage unit.

It definitely could have been worse. Our family is safe. Our computer, laptop, wii, all safe. But new paint and carpet all around, ba-bee!

So I will try to check back in and post in the next few days. But don't expect to see me at the Lancaster walk- all my awareness items I was going to sell are boxed up somewhere in my basement.

The one thing that I did forget and I feel terrible- I forgot to grab Gabriel's box from my living room bookcase. They packed him. I am so sad about that. I meant to take him when we left that first night but I was distracted and forgot. When I went back he had been packed. I am going over this morning to see if there is any chance to find out which box and liberate him.

Hope you all have safe and healthy weekends. I'll keep you updated.

peace-
emily

I'm off to visit my sister. Can I help that she lives in Hawaii? ;0) Wish me luck- I believe there is a hurricane headed that way.

I'll be back August 21. Take care of each other.

Is it just me or does this photo make us look like Siamese twins? lol

Hang in There

Is anyone having a week like I am where I've just lowered my expectations and gone into survival mode? This summer is crazy busy. No big drama, just tons of little annoyances. I DID work out today, which for me is huge! And I'm giving it another shot at my 'no sugar or soda' attempt at a diet.

Hope you are all great. I'll try to get more regular about posting. Is there anything you would like to discuss?

((hugs))

Doldrums

I basically just came to tell you I really have nothing much to say. I'm not really moving forward with my goals but not going backwards, either. Kind of just hanging in there. Working. Keeping up (just!) with the dishes and laundry. Just kind of doing what I do.

But I didn't want you to think I forgot about you. I think I'll come back in a few days and do some book reviews. How about that?

And I booked our hotel to go to the conference for Bereaved Parents of the USA in NYC in July. Anyone going?

Hope you all are doing ok ;0)
peace-
emily

Aloha

So maybe I've mentioned my sister lives in Hawaii (mentioned it once or twice or a hundred times) and you maybe know about our site-that-shall-not-be-named where she writes our babies names for us in the sand and takes a photo. We are in the process of trying to find another name and starting up again (for now go on over to my site PregnancyLossRibbons.com but you didn't hear it from me)

I've been thinking a lot about the word "Aloha" and want to use that in our new name. Aloha is used for both 'hello' and 'goodbye', which for many of us is exactly how we greeted our babies- saying hello and goodbye at the same time.

But as I was researching it a little more I found out Aloha also means love, peace, compassion and mercy. How wonderful! One little word. Perfect.

Any ideas for new names for our new site? Nothing already trademarked, please! LOL

Aloha,
emily

Beautiful Blossoms

As I was driving out and around this morning I was struck again by the beauty of these gorgeous trees in bloom. At the fact that these blossoms are here for such a short time, and then gone. So fragile and perfect.

I made an conscious effort to stop and really look at them. Appreciate them. To not take them for granted, because one good rain or wind and they will be gone. And as the petals slowly fall to the ground it looks as if they are weeping. Symbolic for how I usually feel this time of year. 3 weeks until Gabriel's Day.

When I got home I grabbed my camera and walked down to the end of the cul-de-sac. To these gorgeous trees with the brillian blue sky in the background. I took several photos. And just stood there for a moment trying to appreciate that life is, for this minute, special and beautiful.

And then I became aware that I was standing in a pile of fresh dog do.

How's that grab you for irony?

The Little Voice In My Head

Do you ever notice that you talk to yourself in a way you would never in real life talk to someone else? I always seem to have this negative self talk going on in my head. And then it is like I am looking for situations to reinforce these opinions.

For example! The only clean towel this morning was a TeenAge Mutant Ninja Turtles beach towel- so that is what I used after my shower. Reinforcing the fact that ONE, I am a terrible housekeeper to not have clean towels, and TWO, I am ginormous as a whale to require a beach towel to dry off with rather than a regular sized bath towel.

And ok, ok. I'm a liar as well. It wasn't just this morning. I have been using this TMNT beach towel for 3 days so far. It has holes in it and at one point I'm pretty sure my husband used it in some sort of handyman project because it has some sort of crusty expanding foam stuck on it so while the towel itself is clean it is kind of crunchy and scratchy.

Why do I treat myself like this? I deserve better! I'm a valuable human being, even if the house elves are behind on the laundry.

I'm going to get up this minute and go start the washing machine.

peace!
emily

Making a List!

I hate when people talk about TV shows and then if you haven't seen it they proceed to tell you the whole plot of the sitcom. You know? But that's what I'm kind of going to do.

We watched the Office last night. Well, dh watched it. I was trying to read. I try to say I don't like that show. But then I find myself watching it. And laughing.

Anyway, Michael started his own paper company. When Pam showed up for work the first day (at his house) he was still in his robe. Unable to get dressed- overwhelmed by what he had gotten himself into. She told him when she is overwhelmed she makes a list. And feels better crossing things off of it. (Something like that- I tell you, I was trying not to watch it ;0)

But that's what I need today. A big fat list of everything annoying or bothering me. All the loose ends. And then either FINISH some of them (make a darn dentist appointment, already! Clear off and dust my desk!) or LET IT GO. Ok! Lose 30 pounds ain't happening today. But I can maybe take a walk. Drink a glass of water.

That's what I'm going to work on this weekend.

C'mon, Emily. Get going!

Kick Me When I'm Down

Have you ever had a bad week and then something comes along and kicks you in the head?

That has been my week!

Care to join me for a pity party??

I unknowingly violated a trademarked name so I have take the Sandwritten site down. That super stinks.

A leak in my kitchen ceiling... drip, drip, drip. I know it is these crummy plastic pipes. We really need to repipe the whole house but I haven't had an extra $3000 lying around (and I'll tell you true- if I did have an extra $3000 I'd be buying tickets for the family to go to Hawaii! Repiping my house is not even close to top of my priority list)

A kid with pnemonia- again. 3 times since February. And waking up in the middle of the night with a few worrisome hours wondering if I should take another one to the emergency room. Actually, just mom worry in general. Worry that I'm not doing enough or the right things for my kids.

Money. 'nuff said

I'm going to try the 'I get to..'

I get to have a roof over my head (it is totally leaking, but it is there)
I get to treasure my minutes with my kids- I try not to look to tomorrow but really enjoy today.

I'm not sure about the 'I get to..' for the sandwritten thing. I'm still working on that one.

((hugs))
peace-
emily

This Club We Never Wanted To Join

When it seems that our sorrow is too great to be borne, let us think of the great family of the heavy-hearted into which our grief has given us entrance, and inevitably, we will feel about us their arms, their sympathy, their understanding.
- Helen Keller

Thank you so much for sharing your stumbling blocks with me. It helps so much to know I'm not alone in these things. That I'm not crazy. Or if I am, we all are.

We now belong to a club none of us wanted to join. But I do feel comforted to know that there are people out there who understand. Who share my sorrow, who understand. It makes all the difference in the world.

Thank you.
peace-
emily

Lightning Strikes

I have been trying to write this post off and on for several days. I'm not sure why it has been so difficult. In any case, I'm just going to post it and throw it out there for whatever it's worth.

I have been thinking about the actual chances of what happened to us. Our babies dying, I mean. Whether they died before they were born or after- What are the actual chances?

This pondering came about as I have been thinking about what has happened to actress Natasha Richardson- she was skiing on the bunny slopes Monday and fell and hit her head. She thought she was ok, but later decided to go to the hospital. It was more serious than initially thought and last I heard was she is brain dead, on life support. (Actually, in checking the newsites it appears she has died- at age 45. So sad)

How many times has one of my kids fallen and hit their head? My oldest two just went skiing for the first time last month. I'm sure they did not wear helmets- my husband is not the type to insist.

Great. One more thing for me to worry about. It is not just enough to get them here safely. So many accidents waiting to happen.

(As I was working on this post last night my husband came home with a present for our 11 year old's birthday. An air rifle. Does that man want me to never sleep soundly again?)

But I hear my husband's voice "But that skiing accident was such a rare thing! Not common at all- no need to worry about that happening.

But those of us here know we do need to worry about uncommon things occurring.

How many of us were told by our doctors "It was a fluke- a one in a 'insert-large-number-here' chance of happening.

And yet, let's look at some statistics.

If you can find them.

Googling statistics for pregnancy loss or stillbirth or infant mortality are tricky things.

Firstly, why is it every site I come across has statistics from 1995 or 1996? More than ten years ago.

Secondly, the sites have it all broken down into little subcategories. Different reasons. Different etnicities. Different states. All on their own little colored charts and maps.

It is easy to turn away. I didn't really want to know, anyway. It is too complicated to figure it out. I just know our babies are gone. Will the statistics really change anything?

And yet, I do think I want to know.

On the AmericanPregnancy.org site I found these statistics:

Pregnancy:

There are approximately 6 million pregnancies every year throughout the United States:

* 4,058,000 live births
* 1,995,840 pregnancy losses

Pregnancy Loss:

Every year in the United States there are approximately 2 million women who experience pregnancy loss:

* 600,000 women experience pregnancy loss through miscarriage
* 1,200,000 women experience pregnancy loss through termination
* 64,000 women experience pregnancy loss through ectopic pregnancy
* 6,000 women experience pregnancy loss through molar pregnancies
* 26,000 women experience pregnancy loss through stillbirth

Pregnancy Complications:

Every year in the United States:

* 875,000 woman experience one or more pregnancy complications
* 458,952 babies are born to mothers without adequate prenatal care
* 467,201 babies are born prematurely
* 307,030 babies are born with Low Birth Weight
* 154,051 children are born with Birth Defects
* 27,864 infants die before their first birthday

Holy crap, am I reading that right? Out of 6 million pregnancies in the US each year nearly 2 million of those do not result in a live birth? Nearly 1/3 of pregnancies? 1 out of 3?

Would you drive in a car if you knew 1 out of 3 trips you would be in a fatal accident?

And why why why do people not talk about it more? One out of Three seems very common to me. Why do we never hear about it until it happens to us?

None of us should feel like we are alone. None of us should feel that we are the only ones this has happened to. Clearly, it is more common than I ever thought.

I came on here to write what I thought would be an entirely different post.

How to make this a hopeful piece? I try to not leave on a totally down note, generally.

And yet I'm left with that number echoing in my head. One out of Three.

To put it in perspective (and just because I was curious) the odds of being struck by lightning (in your lifetime, est. 80 years) is 1/5000.

None of us are alone in this. Sadly, many other women know our same sadness of losing a child. Thank goodness for the support and friendship I have found. I don't know what people did before internet, before support groups, before blogs. It is how I've stayed sane.

((HUGS)) to everyone out there grieving their children.

peace-
emily

Blah

I've been feeling kind of Blah. Bleh.

Not too inspired.

So I hate to waste your time, my loyal readers. I've been quiet in bloggieland.

But I wonder how much of this has to do with the weather. The grey skies. The cloudy, dark days. Cold.

February is hard for me- staying inside and mostly spending my days wandering from computer to kitchen wishing something delicious and chocolaty had magically appeared. Or that the laundry has done itself.

The house elves have let me down. Where are you when I need you, Dobby?

Earlier this week we had a big snow storm- and I do love a good snowstorm! Here in Maryland if we get more than half an inch it closes the schools and shuts everything down. Like I need a reason to stay in my pajamas and drinking hot chocolate and cancel my big time plans of wandering around Target.

Monday we got about 6 inches of snow. So beautiful to watch it coming down. So pretty covering everything. I love love love a good snow storm.

Then, by Friday we had 70 degree weather. GORGEOUS! We spent a lot of the weekend outside. My kid even wore shorts to school today- he is probably jumping the gun, but as I say the house elves have been shirking their laundry duty. It may have been all he had clean.

And as I sit here thinking about it, it is a pretty good analagy for my life. Long dark days. Sadness, purposelessness. But then I am given a glimpse that better days are coming. Sunny skies. The little green shoots of early crocus, tulips and daffodils pushing through the dirt. Like little blooms of hope, peeking through.

I am a little scared that the cold dark days are not done.. but hopeful that warm gentle days are ahead, not too far away.

Hold on..
It gets better. It gets easier. It does.

peace-
emily