The secret club none of us wanted to join

I know that after Gabriel died it seemed that I was running into pregnant women everywhere. The grocery. Church. Out running errands. And if they weren't pregnant, they often had little kids and babies. Lots of babies. Everywhere I went, seemed like.

I've heard other moms say they felt this way, as well.

What was hard to remember is that often we are also seeing moms who have had babies die. I have heard statistics that indicate that 1 out of 4 pregnancies results in a pregnancy loss. It may be as high as 1 out of 3. Crazy. Unreal.

So why do people not talk about it? Why must grieving moms feel so alone? What if there was a symbol so that we could recognize each other?

A while back I ordered some rubber band bracelets. They are very similar to the yellow 'lance armstrong' bracelets, but with different wording. The white ones say "Remembering Our Babies" and have little footprints. I have heard that dads are wearing these, as well. When it was requested to make smaller ones for siblings I ordered the pink/blue swirl ones that say "Remembering" with footprints.

I sell these bracelets on my site.

ORIGINAL bracelets are White, and debossed with the words "Remembering Our Babies". They also have a small baby feet symbol. These are an adult size. They are 8.5 inches measured around the bracelet.

PINK/BLUE SWIRL bracelets are SMALLER youth size for women with small wrists or for siblings. These say REMEMBERING and have the baby feet logo. They are 7.5 inches measured around the bracelet.

These are perfect for support groups, mementos for memory walks, or to use in fundraising. Bulk pricing is available, please email me at nickwilberg@hotmail.com. I try to keep a quantity in stock but may need to reorder depending on demand.

peace-
emily

A kind gesture

I opened my email today and found this beautiful photo from Holly (caring4carleigh)



How beautiful! I love it. Such a simple thing that means so much- seeing Gabriel's name and knowing that I'm not the only one who remembers him.

Thank you, thank you
((hugs))

BP/USA What Helps the Most

A few weeks ago I presented a workshop at the Bereaved Parents of the USA Conference in NYC. One workshop I attended was called "What Helps the Most" by Elaine Stillwell. Her son Denis and daughter Peggy were killed in a car accident.

I think this is a very helpful list. I'm also interested to hear why YOU think has helped you the most.

Funeral service (a ritual of saying goodbye and remembering)
Loving support (friends, family and faith)
Talking (telling our story, sharing our child)
Books (wisdom from those who have walked before us)
Expressing your feelings
Sacred Space (place and time to meditate and ponder)
A Spouse who respects your way of grieving
Crying
Notes and cards (saying 'I care')
Giving your anger a voice
The love of a pet
response from the clergy
discuss feelings with spouse and family
journaling
visiting the cemetary
yoga, treadmill, walking
give yourself a present (tell yourself it is from your child)
religion/spirituality
support group
music
vacations
exercise
writing
planting a garden
watching the growth of an amaryllis (or other flower)
planning a memorial
hobby
quilt making
welcoming their friends
establishing a scholarship
volunteering
new routines and traditions (new ways to celebrate holidays, new friends)
doing crazy things (license plate with their name, give angels to everyone)
stay in the present as much as possible

Sweet Pea Stones

My friend Stephanie over at the Sweet Pea Project has a new project called Sweet Pea Stones

The Sweet Pea Project started when Stephanie's daughter Madeline was stillborn at 41 weeks. Stephanie has been able to do great good by returning to the hospital where Madeline was born and speaking to the staff about what she appreciated and what she regretted. One of her regrets was that she did not get to keep the blanket Madeline had been wrapped in during the time she and her husband held their daughter.

The Sweet Pea Project has been collecting blankets to donate to grieving parents who will leave the hospital without their babies. Her newest project is the Sweet Pea Stones- sweet little garden stones sculpted with your baby's name.

I hope you will visit her site and help support this wonderful cause. There are so many regrets when you lose a baby- not having a blanket to remember your time with your baby should not be one of them.

peace-
emily

Send a Card, Send a Smile

I'm warning you this might sound like an infomercial. Sorry about that. I really have had an amazing weekend and would like to tell you all about it. So bear with me.

I had told you last week I signed up for SendOutCards, which is a service that lets you use your computers to send cards to people in their mailbox. It is cheaper, easier and faster than getting a card at the store, going to the postoffice to get stamps and then I usually forget to mail it in time to get it where it needs to go. So, I knew this card thing could be really good for me.

So I've been playing around this weekend sending cards to a bunch of people. And you know what? It is pretty fun to send cards. Such a simple thing. I like to think about how they will feel to get something in their mailbox that isn't a bill. I like browsing all the beautiful, funny cards. I like thinking about something that isn't about ME and instead try to do something for someone else.

I sent about 25 cards this weekend. And I have noticed I am happier. Is that a direct relation? I don't know. I think so.

I do think that if you send positive energy out into the world, positive energy comes back to you.

If you want to give it a try, click here. Just send a few free cards. No strings- seriously. I just want you to feel this little happy buzz I've got going.

Also, the more I learn about this company the more I like it. It was started by a guy who had ignored a prompting to go over and give his brother a hug. Later his brother died in an accident. It is all about allowing people to easily act on their promptings.

I have tried to do this over the weekend. If someone pops into my head I think that is a message to me to send them a card with a few words to let them know I'm thinking about them. To let them know they matter to me.

Reach out to someone today- tell them you love them, tell them they are important.

And if you'd like to get a card, email me your snail mail address at nickwilberg @ hotmail. I'd love to send you one. You guys are important to me too. I hope today is gentle for you.

peace-
emily

A new project! Need your help!

You know how you have ideas floating around in your head, maybe two or three things and then all of a sudden there is a connection and you just say, "Well, duh! Why didn't I think of that before?"

This is kind of like that.

But it is only half baked. I was going to wait until I was good and ready to go, but I'm guessing you all will have some ideas for me and maybe point out a few things I haven't yet thought of.

Here we go. I'll share my crazy thought process.

It kind of started with Kara's March Compassion Challenge and the idea that I carried through the last few weeks or so as I was having a hard time anticipating Gabriel's anniversary and Mother's Day. The idea that when I'm feeling bad I need to reach out and do something nice for someone else.

Then, I had thought to send Mother's Day cards out to anyone who wanted one. If you were one of the recipients you will see I'm not so much a crafty hand-makery kind of card person.

Someone was talking to me this week about a site that is kind of like netflixs but for greeting cards. You can use your computer to find what card you want, click and send it to someone in their mailbox. Snail mail, not an electronic greeting card. For as little as $25 you can get 10 cards that includes postage, so it is less expensive than buying the cards in the store. I found out you can have it send you reminders when special dates are coming up, which was the clincher for me because I am always thinking I'd like to send moms cards on their baby's anniversary dates but I am terrible about remembering them. (click here to find out more info, but I'll get back to this in a bit)

Then I signed up to be a Spirit Jumper- the button is on the side of my blog. I get addresses for people fighting cancer who need some well wishes and I can send a card or small gift. It cheers them up and feels good for me to do something for someone else.

But just a few minutes ago I had a 'zing!' kind of moment where I thought we need a list like this but for bereaved mom's missing their babies. Where we can send a card or small gift to someone who is having a hard time and let them know they are not alone in this.

What do you think? What should we call it? My first thought was 'send a smile' or 'sending smiles' or something like this but I'd like to hear your ideas.

Now, back to the 'sending a card with your email' thing. The more I look at this system the better I like it. You can upload your own photos to the front of the cards. You can use it to track and send cards easily and more inexpensively than store bought cards. And the BEST THING YET is we can make our own cards SPECIFICALLY for moms missing their babies.

Did anyone else have a hard time with the fact that I didn't really want a "Happy Mother's Day" card but not quite yet either a "Thinking of you on Mother's Day". Something kind of inbetween.

And you go to Hallmark and there are "Sympathy" cards and "Thinking of You" cards and "Sorry for your loss" cards and "Sorry for the loss of your pet" cards but NOTHING for "Sorry you are missing your sweet baby". Nothing that says "Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful child- I'm so sorry s/he is not with you".

Anyway, that is what my brain has been churning with and I'm working on putting it all together. Any comments? Suggestions? Ideas for names?

If anyone wants to try out the card sending system I can set up a gift account so you can send a few cards for free to give it a try. Just shoot me an email at nickwilberg@hotmail.com OR click the link and then click on the banner that says 'send a free card' and it will walk you through it.

peace-
emily

Anniversary Dates

I know some of you are very early in your journey, and I'm so sorry you have had to start down this path at all. I wish I could help make it easier. Some others of us are a little further along and have experienced anniversary dates. They are tough. I just had Gabriel's 7th anniversary on Sunday. And yes, it sucked.

I kept giving myself advice. Do you ever do that? Hear little voices in your head telling you what to do? I think: "If someone had posted this question on a message board, what advice would I give them?" Because I am so chock full of advice when it comes to message boards. Ask me anything about parenting, health, school situations or life and I'm glad to tell you what to do. But when it comes to actually doing it myself or giving myself that same advice that it gets tougher.

Anyway.

I kept giving myself advice I might tell someone else about surviving an anniversary date. Here are some of my little gems:

The days or weeks leading up to the date are harder than the day itself. This is usually true for me. Sunday was pretty ok until I hit about 1:00 and then I just crashed. I ended up in my backyard hammock for 3 solid hours just sleeping and watching the birds fly around down in the swampy area behind my house

Don't make a lot of plans until you see how you feel that day. Give yourself permission to stay in bed or in the house if you don't feel like going out. Yes, yes, I did this. But also I knew that I wanted to go to the cemetary and have cookies with my family and let a balloon go, so I had to force myself out of the house at some point. I usually make my husband take the day off of work, but he didn't need to do that this year because it was Sunday.

Do a random act of kindness for someone else in memory of your child. I had done this throughout the month of May. Whenever I started feeling kind of sad or freaked out I did something for someone else

Make some kind of tangible memento to put in Gabriel's scrapbook In the past this has included taking a photo of the sky on Gabriel's day and also writing a letter to him. I try to do a scrapbook page each year to continue to add to his scrapbook

I'd love to hear what you have done on anniversary dates. Thanks so much for sharing with us what helps.

peace-
emily

Aloha Remembered

You may know I have taken down my sand-site-that-shall-not-be-named but you may not know we are still taking photos of our babies names in the sand.

Check out our new site Aloha Remembered

My sister lives on the windward shore of Hawaii- there is a beach there designated as a 'quiet place of rememberance' and she will take photos of our babies names. I will post your baby's photo on our site, and you can choose to either receive the high res image by email or an 8x10 by snail mail.

We have decided to start charging for this project, so we are able to donate from the profits. Some places we have donated so far include March of Dimes, SHARE and my hospital's bereavement committee.

I picked the name "Aloha Remembered" because the photos are taken in Hawaii and the word Aloha means both hello, and goodbye. Actually, it means quite a bit more than that, including peace, love, compassion. So fitting. All these things I said and felt to my baby as I said both hello, goodbye, and 'I love you' to Gabriel all at once. 7 years ago this Sunday

If you have a button on your blog from my other site, THANK YOU. But be aware that site is no longer active. I'm working on a button for our new Aloha Remembered site and hope to have it up soon.

Stumbling Blocks- What were yours?

I'm about 6 weeks out from Gabriel's day- I can't believe we are going on 7 years. Unreal.

I was thinking back to the early days. The shock. The numbness. The two-steps-forward, one-(or two or three)steps-back.

How do you help someone through those early days? What were some of the little landmines? Is there any way to 'prepare' someone for these? To make life just a little easier?

Some things that I remember being very difficult (some unexpectedly so) for me were:

Going out in public and fearing I'd run into someone I'd have to tell

Getting the mail (and the formula samples and the 'Congratulations!' mailers)

Getting a phone call from my dentist telling me I didn't 'take my dental hygiene seriously' because I asked to reschedule our appointment the day I got home from the hospital.

Seeing pregnant women (and infants) everywhere- Target, the grocery store

Being asked "How many kids do you have?" and not having an answer prepared

Telling my then 4 and 5 year old kids that we were not going to have a new baby. And the very honest reaction of my 5 year old daughter as she started to scream "But he just didn't have a chance to live!"

The middle of the night

The 6 week follow up doctor's visit

What were some things that were most difficult for you?

Remembering Our Babies Bracelets

In the early days after Gabriel's death, it was very difficult to go out in public. It seemed there were pregnant women and babies everywhere I looked. What took me a while to realize is that I was also probably seeing women who had experienced loss, too. But although a baby dying crushes you inwardly, there is no outward sign or symbol.

An orphan is someone who has lost their parents. A widow or widower is someone who has lost their spouse. But someone grieving their child? Our language has no word for that particular person. Just mom. Grieving mom. Or dad.

How awesome it would be if we could recognize each other. If we could walk into a PTA meeting, or church, or grocery store and know that the other person we are talking to knows our particular pain. That they understand.

These rubber band bracelets were created to be just such a symbol. The white ones say "Remembering Our Babies" and have a little baby footprints. Dads are wearing these, too.

The smaller pink and blue 'swirl' ones just say "Remembering" and also have the baby footprints. They are for women with smaller wrists, or for siblings.

Because none of us should feel that we are alone.

peace-
emily

To order bracelets, please visit PregnancyLossRibbons.com I do donate from the profit from this site.

Signs of Grief

This list is provided as a resource. If you feel overwhelmed or beyond help PLEASE tell someone and get help. There are many excellent resources for depression or people feeling suicidal thoughts. Please do not suffer in silence. Here are some common signs of grief. They may include the following:

Physical Sensations

Tightness in chest
Tightness in throat
Oversensitivity to noise
Depersonalization
Breathlessness
Headaches
Weakness in muscles
Lack of energy
Dry mouth
Trouble swallowing
Hollowness in the stomach
sighing

Behaviors

Sleep problems
No appetite
Forgetfulness
Social withdrawals
Dreams of deceased
Avoidance of reminders
Calling out
Restless Activity
Crying
Clinging to reminders
Treasuring objects

Feelings

Sadness
Anger
Guilt
Anxiety
Loneliness
Fatigue
Helplessness
Shock
Yearning
Numbness
Relief

Thoughts

Disbelief
Confusion
Pre-occupation
Sense of presence
Hearing and seeing the deceased

How to get removed from baby mailing lists

It is a difficult time- you come home without your child and it seems like everyone around you gets back to their own lives. And then the mail starts. Little diapers in the mail. Samples of formula. Postcards welcoming your child. Milestone checklists of what your child should be doing at this stage. Each trip to the mailbox is a little ticking time bomb.

There is a way to get your name off these lists. Ask a friend or family member to help if you need it.

Contact Direct Marketing Association and request the removal of your name from any baby product mailing list. Provide your name and address. You need to request all variations of your name should be removed such as Mr & Mrs. John Doe, Mary and John Doe, Parents of Baby Doe, etc. It can take up to 90 days to take effect.

Mail inquiries to Direct Marketing Association Mail Preference Service, P.O. Box 282, Carmel, NY 10512 or visit https://www.dmaconsumers.org/cgi/offmailing to fill out an online form.

This information is provided as a service and I can't guarantee effectiveness, but it is what was provided to me. Good luck- gentle days, emily