Stumbling Blocks- What were yours?

I'm about 6 weeks out from Gabriel's day- I can't believe we are going on 7 years. Unreal.

I was thinking back to the early days. The shock. The numbness. The two-steps-forward, one-(or two or three)steps-back.

How do you help someone through those early days? What were some of the little landmines? Is there any way to 'prepare' someone for these? To make life just a little easier?

Some things that I remember being very difficult (some unexpectedly so) for me were:

Going out in public and fearing I'd run into someone I'd have to tell

Getting the mail (and the formula samples and the 'Congratulations!' mailers)

Getting a phone call from my dentist telling me I didn't 'take my dental hygiene seriously' because I asked to reschedule our appointment the day I got home from the hospital.

Seeing pregnant women (and infants) everywhere- Target, the grocery store

Being asked "How many kids do you have?" and not having an answer prepared

Telling my then 4 and 5 year old kids that we were not going to have a new baby. And the very honest reaction of my 5 year old daughter as she started to scream "But he just didn't have a chance to live!"

The middle of the night

The 6 week follow up doctor's visit

What were some things that were most difficult for you?

While we are on the Subject

Ter mentioned Build A Bear. I have also heard of others who did a Build a Bear after their child died. If you do not know what Build a Bear is(I've never been to one, personally) you choose the stuffed animal design you wish, and then put a little heart symbol inside and fill it with stuffing and they close it up right then and there. They have other animals besides bears, and you can personalize them with outfits and accessories.

I have seen several family photos with a bear or other stuffed animal included in the photo in order to symbolize and include the child that has been lost.

And I saw an article in the paper a while ago (darned if I can find it now) and the Build a Bear representive said that it is not uncommon for people to bring in some cremation ashes to put inside the bear. They suggested to call ahead and find out when would be a quiet time to come to the store- to let the staff know and to make sure you are not there the same time as a child's birthday party, for example.

I am a big believer in doing WHATEVER GETS YOU THROUGH. If it is not hurting anyone, why the heck not? It is a way to fill empty arms, and something soft and small to hug.

I hope today is gentle for you. I'm sorry any of us need to be here. I'm glad to meet you, but sorry it is in this way. I'd much rather have met at a yoga class or somewhere, anywhere, else.
peace- emily

10 inches, 10 ounces

When Gabriel died, the women I worked with didn't know what to do. They took up a collection of money and gave it to my mother-in-law, who had stopped in to pick up my stuff from work as I would not be returning. The instructions were to buy something for me- flowers, they specified. My MIL, wise woman that she is, did not do that. Well, she did purchase a very small floral arrangement and then gave me the rest of the money to spend as I wanted. And I splurged on an item some people thought was very strange.

I bought a doll.

This has come up in other forums and other places and I know it can be a controversial topic. Some people think it is creepy, morbid or weird. Some people think it is unhealthy. Some people think I was trying to replace my baby.

For ME, it was none of these things. Mostly, it was to remember EXACTLY the size and weight of Gabriel as I had held him. He was 10 ounces, 10 inches. I did not want to forget what that felt like.

It did serve other purposes as well. It allowed me to fill my empty aching arms. It gave me something physical to hold while I remembered my son. And, for a while, it was a good indicator of how my day had been. If my husband came home and saw my doll on the bed he knew to step lightly as it had been a rough day.

One other purpose it served is it gave my other children a way to know and remember their baby brother. I had not taken them to the hospital, and had not told them (then 4 and 5) what was happening until Gabriel had already been born and gone. But as we talked about their baby brother, then could hold this doll. They could talk to it. They could sing to it. And more than once they asked to sleep with it.

Now, I keep Gabriel's doll in the memory box I was given at the hospital, with his gown and his blanket. I rarely take it out, but I am glad I have this memory. I am glad I splurged on this item.

The woman who made my doll no longer makes them- but her same pattern is being made by Wee Bundles and Remember Me Preemie . They are primarily for preemies, but are also for those of us who are missing our children.

It says to contact them for babies less than 20 weeks- I emailed them and had kind emails back from both sites. They DO make tiny dolls- as tiny as 10 weeks- so contact them for prices and info about that.

I hope today is gentle for you.
peace-
emily