Community Gathering- Sweet Pea/Lancaster, PA

If you are anywhere near Lancaster, PA this is going to be an amazing event to celebrate the launch of the new book To Linger On Hot Coals

The notice I recieved from Stephanie:

Hi friends! We are so excited about our next community event- Sweet Pea Project's to linger on hot coals poetic gathering presented by OBGYN of Lancaster. We are just 3 weeks away from this lovely little gathering and want to make sure we have enough books and refreshments, so please click over to https://hotcoalspoetry.wufoo.com/forms/to-linger-on-hot-coals-poetic-gathering/ and let us know if you plan to attend. 

We hope you will join us at 1pm on Saturday, March 8 at the beautiful Mulberry Art Studios in downtown Lancaster for an afternoon of poetry, music, and community in a candle-lit art gallery. From 1pm-2pm you can mingle and relax with a glass of wine and a plate of delicious hors d'oeuvres served by Food For Thought Catering, while listening to the gently strummed guitar of singer/songwriter Bobbi Carmitchell.  156 candles, each with the name of a deeply loved and missed child handwritten on it, will be lighting the gallery.  Copies of to linger on hot coals will be available, and several of the contributors will be signing books and chatting with guests.

At 2pm, Dr Joanne Cacciatore- founder of the MISS Foundation and Center For Loss & Trauma- will open with a short presentation via video about her involvement in to linger on hot coals. The poetry reading will immediately follow and will include pieces from each of the to linger on hot coals contributors. Angie Yingst, Devany LeDrew, Catherine Bayly and Stephanie Paige Cole will read live in the gallery and, since they live much too far away to attend in person, Kara LC Jones, Sherokee Ilse, Laura Seftel, Carly Dudley, Tara Hart, Beth Morey, Amy McCarter, Hannah Logan Morris and Anne Morris will share their poems with us via video projected on the gallery wall.

Learn more about to linger on hot coals, which was released a few weeks ago and is already receiving some amazing reviews from high profile members of our community, at www.tolingeronhotcoals.com.

Thank you to our event sponsors: OBGYN of Lancaster, Food For Thought Catering, Mulberry Art Studios, Loving Memories Photography & Continental Inn!

(PS... Think warm thoughts and save the date for our next community event: 4th Annual Sweet Pea Sisters & Brothers Picnic at Lititz Springs Park on June 7!)

Heaven is For Real: Book Review

Ok, this one is pretty religiousy, needfully so. But there's one part I want to tell you about.

My mom had told me about this book and then I saw it at the house I was babysitting at last night. I skimmed and skipped most of it. I wanted to get to a particular point.

This little boy nearly dies and later talks about his 'visit to heaven.'. He told his parents that he 'has 2 sisters.' (You know he has one.) He said that when he was visiting in heaven a little girl ran up and told him she is his sister. She said she didn't have a name yet because the parents had not named her. Turns out his mother had a miscarriage she had not told her son about, and they had not named her. They didn't know it was a girl.

I know so many people have such different beliefs, and I don't know about this little boy and his visit to heaven, but I do think our babies are waiting for us.

((hugs))
emily

Book Review- Mending Invisible Wings Journal

Because I'm in a giving kind of mood, I'm going to post this little goodie I've been holding on to for awhile.



A while back the author Mary Burgess contacted me about reviewing her book Mending Invisible Wings: a Healing Journal for Mothers. Part of the deal was I would offer it as a giveaway to one of my readers.

I'm sorry I agreed to it. To give it away, I mean. I want to keep it for myself.

This beautiful book is a journal- meant to be interactive as you fill it out and write, draw or paint to express your emotions and (as it says on the back cover) "reclaim your body, your heart and your life". The pages are these lovely thick paper which begs to be filled. Throughout the book are little treasures of images, illustrations, sketches, affirmations, poetry and ceremonies.

This book has a definite earth mother/goddess feel to it so if you are looking for a Christian type of journal this is not it.

So, after holding onto it as long as I possibly could get away with I am ready to send it out in the world to one of you, lucky readers. I've decided to do it in tandem with my other giveaway. (Winners have been chosen- congratulations!)

Good luck!
emily

BP/USA: Grief Watch

We just got back from the Bereaved Parents of the USA Conference. It was a hard weekend, but I'm glad I went. I presented a workshop on Family Traditions: Making Memories that Include Your Child- I'll post that here in a bit. Most of the attendees had children that were older (twenties, thirties) but the one thing that struck me is this: Our kids are always our babies, no matter how old they are.

I'm going to do a few posts on workshops I attended and review the books I got in the bookstore. But can I show you my very favorite item I purchased? This little "Comfee Doll".




And also this shirt:



I just now realized both of those items are from the same site: GriefWatch.com When I went to their site to get the links, I realize that the director is Pat Schwiebert. She is the author of the book they gave me in the hospital- the book that helped so much and really made a huge difference.

When I found out Gabriel had no heartbeat, it was terrible. But the most horrifying part of it was when my doctor told me I was going to the hospital to be induced. I just wanted it to go away. I thought.

They gave me a copy of the book
When Hello Means Goodbye and I spent 3 days waiting for Gabriel to be born. In that time, this small book turned my thinking around. It reminded me this was going to be my only chance to do some things to parent my child. This book is the reason I was able to hold Gabriel, and the reason I thought to invite his grandparents to come to the hospital to see and hold him. This book was there at a critical time and I am so thankful for it.

She is also the author of another book I bought at the BP/USA conference bookstore: Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After a Loss I really like this book. It is the story of a woman dealing with her grief by making 'Tear Soup'. Here is the recipe:

Grandy's Recipe For Tear Soup- serves one
one pot full of tears
one heart willling to be broken open
a dash of bitters
a bunch of good friends
many handfulls of comfort food
a lot of patience
buckets of water to replace the tears
plenty of exercise
a variety of helpful reading material
enough self care
season with memories
optional: one good therapist and/or support group

Directions:
Choose the size pot that fits your loss. It's ok to increase pot size if you miscalculated. Combine ingredients. Set the temperature for a moderate heat. Cooking times will vary depending on the ingredients needed. Strong flavors will mellow over time. Stir often. Cook no longer than you need to.

Suggestions:
be creative
trust your instincts
cry when you want to, laugh when you can.
freeze some soup to use as a starter for next time
keep your own soup making journal so you won't forget

Alicia Afterimage- Book Review

When Lee and Low Books contacted me and asked if I’d review a book for them I was glad to do it. Children’s book author Lulu Delacre has written Alicia Afterimage after the death of her daughter, Alicia. Alicia was 16 when she was killed in a car accident. Ms. Delacre interviews Alicia’s friends and wrote this book with their input.

The first thing I did was google Lulu Delacre. And I found out she lives about 15 minutes from my house. And the local library is having an exhibit on this book. Such a small world.

This book is primarily a book for teens about teens grieving the death of their friend. I could see how the process (the interviews and writing of it) would be healing for Alicia’s family, friends, and classmates at school. It is written in 3rd person, which makes the mother seem a little detached, but it also makes for a kind of separation which is probably easier for a grieving teen to read and deal with. A book like this would have been very helpful for my teenage friends and I when we found out a week after graduation our friend Scott Boland had been killed in a car accident. I remember acutely the pain and confusion we felt. And how going to his funeral was the saddest thing I had ever had to do in my 17 years of living.

As I read through the book I noticed that many similar themes with those of us dealing with the death of a smaller child. Seeing or hearing messages from our lost loved ones. Anger- and I was very curious how that would be resolved as to the driver of the car, who was a student at the same school. Not being able to say goodbye. Time too short with our child

And then I came to the final chapter, the perspective of Mama. And was struck once again with the fact that the death of a child is the worst thing a mother can go through. No matter what age the child. And I felt I related to the changes the mother describes.

“She had gone through an event that shattered life as she had known it, and her priorites had shifted…She was no longer afraid of being hurt, for there could not possibly be any pain depper than that of losing a child. Her empathy grew…”

“In time Mama began to recognize the signs of a spiritual connection to Alicia- a ladybug in the most unlikely of places…And more vivid dreams. Mama became acutely aware of all these surprising occurrences that seemed to carry messages. So she began to heed her inner voice: She learned to act on her instincts, following her heart instead of her head.”

I am glad for the chance to review this book. I’m glad I didn’t just discard it as a book for grieving teens. I’m glad to have read it; to again realize that our children are our children and their leaving us too early causes pain that a mother feels no matter how long she has with her child.

Click on the linkto see an interview with this author, Lulu Delacre

I hope today is gentle for you.
peace- emily

It takes as long as it takes

...you will not be cured, but... one day- an idea that will horrify you now- this intolerable misfortune will become a blessed memory of a being who will never again leave you. But you are in a stage of unhappiness where it is impossible for you to have faith in these reassurances. -Marcel Proust

There is no way out, only a way forward. -Michael Hollings

I have been reading the book "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" but instead of just reading one a day instead I've been flipping through the book, reading parts here and there. This one jumped out at me (in my own words):

It takes as long as it takes. Grieving can not be shortened, or cheated. People sometimes tell us it is time to 'get over it' and we ourselves may think that the faster we get through the sooner we will be back to feeling better. But consider this- in many things we do and experience, faster is not necessarily better (food, or sex for example) and it is better to 'do it right' the first time. (Whatever 'right' means for you.)

I hope today is gentle for you. peace- emily

A Legacy for our Children

Nikki (Aaron's mommy) sent me this email:

It has been 2 and a half years since Aaron's death. Looking back there were so many things that were helpful. There are one things I can pinpoint that probably helped the most though. It came in the form of a book. After Aaron died I was kind of obsessed with finding books to read about the subject of babies dying and what to do afterwards. I read a lot of them. Many of them were geared towards the mother and my husband was desperate to find something he could relate to. One day he was on the internet (espn.com of all places) and found a link to a book one of their columnists had written. He found one called, "Noah's Rainbow: A Father's Emotional Journey from the Death of his Son to the Birth of his Daughter", by David Flemming. He told me about it and I went straight to the book store and got it for him. He read it in a couple days. We talked about Aaron constantly but men and women express their feelings so differently. I was always asking how he was doing etc. and I couldn't always understand the differences. My husband asked me to read that book and I finally understood exactly where he was. It put us closer to the same page and opened up whole new lines of conversation. They one thing the author stresses is that since our babies are not here to have a legacy, we are their legacy.

The book changed our view on how to handle things. We decided after reading the book we were going to give Aaron the best legacy we possibly could. We got actively involved with March for Babies (previously WalkAmerica) sponsored by the March of Dimes. We have a family team. This will be our 3rd year (in 2009), but in our first two years we have raised well over $10,000. The walk is always the last Sunday in April and Aaron's birthday is April 28th so it is always right around his birthday. We have a picnic the day before the walk for our team that serves as the perfect way to thank them and help us all remember/celebrate Aaron. We also have a toy drive every Christmas in his memory. We just completed our 3rd one and they have grown every year. We have both become BETTER people through it all.

Thanks for sending this in, Nikki! I love the idea that we are creating our children's legacy. It reminds me of the kindness projects and then also the idea of 'continued parenting' from Kotapress- our relationship of being our kids parents isn't over when they die- it is just starting as we create a legacy for them. I will be posting more about this later on today but think this is a perfect way to start the New Year- thinking about how to create our children's legacy.

Wishing you all a gentle New Year- peace, emily

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination- Book Review

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination
by Elizabeth McCracken

So many people had recommended this book to me but I put off reading it for a while. I usually use reading as an escape, so to read a book on PURPOSE, when I KNOW the baby dies seemed overly grim. And yet, from the minute I started it I felt like the author knew exactly what I felt. That she was able to put into words things that I wanted to say but didn't know how to express it.

I usually skim, but this book I stopped midway and put it down. To wait and read it at a time when I could really read it- not in line waiting to get my car inspected. I knew this book was special, and I wanted to pay attention. As soon as I finished it, I want to start it again. With a highlighter to mark the parts that really speak to me.

One of my favorite parts is near the beginning. She and her husband were living in French when they found out their baby had died. They were asked if they wanted to speak to a nun. Only the word in French for 'nun' is very similar to the word for 'dwarf'. And that is what they heard- "Do you want to speak to a dwarf?" When her husband told a friend that they said "You must have thought, "That is the last thing I need!" and he answered "No, I thought I'd really like to speak to a dwarf about then. I thought it might cheer me up". They talked about how possibly every French hospital kept a supply of dwarfs on hand to speak to the patients. "The dwarfs of grief. We could see them in their apologetic smallness, shifting from foot to foot."

Someone had told her (long before their child died) that she should write a book about "the lighter side of losing a child" and she had no idea what that meant. She comes to realize that possibly what that women meant was this: 'Lighter things will happen to you... your child will still be dead.. and you will spend your life trying to resolve this". How there are moments of "odd, reliable comfort that billows up at the worst moments, like a beautiful sunset woven out of the smoke over a bombed city."

There were several parts in it that I found myself nodding and saying "Yes, that is exactly right." The part where she gets furious with movers who were supposed to come several days later but instead showed up 3 days early (my experience was with a dentist to told me I wasn't taking my dental hygeine seriously when I cancelled my appointment the day I got home from the hospital.) Talking about the "what if's" and regrets. How now that we have experienced loss we are now all related, like there is a 'family tree of grief'. You discover that you have a 'new set of relatives, people with whom you can speak in the shorthand of cousins'

I related to much of her book, and at the same time, so many things she described were not the same for me. For example, they made the decision not to have photos taken of their baby. To not give their baby a 'real' name, but instead call him always by the nickname they called him. To not use the word 'angel' when referring to their baby. That is right for them. FOR ME, I treasure the few photos I have of Gabriel, as hard as they are to look at. I am glad we named him Gabriel, although with our family we always still call him our 'baby goldbug'. And I do sometimes use the word 'angel'.

This is a wonderful book. It helps to know that I am not alone, am not crazy. Or if I am, she is too.

Healing a Parent's Grieving Heart

On another messageboard I read frequently someone told the tragic story of a family who just had a child die. They asked, "What do I say? What can I do?" This is often the question asked. I referred them to the page For Friends and Family but then the next resource I reached for on my shelf was this book: Healing a Parent's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas after your Child Dies by Alan D. Wolfelt. PH.D and I remembered what a great help this was to me after Gabriel died.

The author is a grief counselor for 25 years, and although not a bereaved parent himself, he has heard the stories of thousands of grieving parents. You can read his bio here. He also holds Center for Loss workshops in Colorado.

It is not a huge book- so it is easily overlooked. I bought it at Borders so you may be able to find it at your local chain bookstore. This book is not specific for pregnancy loss or stillbirth, but of great value none the less. It in the foreword, Andrea Gambill, editor of Bereavement magazine calls it a 'small but powerful book' full of 'common sense and compassionate suggestions'. Absolutely right.

I particularly appreciated the the layout where each page is its own topic with a specific idea at the bottom of something you can DO. From "Keep a Journal (go to a bookstore and pick a blank book- get a cup of coffee and start your first entry)" to " Take Good Care of Yourself (start taking a multivitamin if you don't already), every single page gives me an idea of something specific I can do. Just flipping through the topics I feel energized.

Here are just a few:
Understand the unique grieving needs of Dads/Moms/Grandparents (each its own page)
Wear a symbol of mourning
Plan a ceremony
Organize a memory book
Volunteer
Laugh
Prepare to answer the question "How many children do you have?"
Cry
Be aware your grief affects your body, heart, social self and spirit

If I could type out the entire book for you here I would. But instead I suggest you get a copy. No matter where you are in the journey I think it is useful. I have given it to several friends who have had someone close to them die. Once I gave the teen's book to a family where the mother died very unexpectedly- the aunt told me later what a huge help it had been as they were able to flip through and talk about the different ideas and ask "Now, what are you feeling about this today?"

He has several other books on the topic of grieving- for children, for teens, for parents. I have linked just a few below.