No right or wrong

In the interest of 'keepin it real' I wanted to tell you about a conversation my husband and I had the week before Gabriel's birthday.

Me: Did you get Gabriel's birthday off from work next week?
Him: When is it?
Me: Really? You don't know when it is?
Him: I try not to think about it. I just can't do that.

Try not to smack your husband when and if this happens to you.

Just because I mark it on the calendar and cautiously anticipate it from the minute the calendar flips around New Years does not mean I am right and he is wrong. We are both right. However you need to be to get through is right for you.


((hugs))
emily

Mother's Day

I'm repeating my post from last year. I wish you a gentle weekend. ((hugs)) emily

This was written by Kara Jones. Click over to FaveCraftsBlog to read her whole post click here. You can visit Kara's blogs MotherHenna.com and Kota:Knowing Ourselves Through Art



...They were handing out fliers sharing the writing of Julia Ward Howe, first published in 1870 as a protest against the carnage and violence of the Civil War. This was a protest led by women whose sons had died! Bereaved mothers started this tradition of Mothers Day! In the beginning, this was a day of protest, an expression of horrified grief from bereaved mothers who were parted from their sons!! Wow. Okay. That’s a different spin.

So what did Julia have to say back in 1870? You read and see for yourself:

Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether our baptism be that of water or of fears!

Say firmly: “We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.

We women of one country will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with our own. It says “Disarm, Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.”

Blood does not wipe our dishonor nor violence indicate possession. As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.

Let them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after their own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, but of God.

In the name of womanhood and of humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality may be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.

Julia Ward Howe
Boston
1870

Mothers Day came as an answer to Julia’s proclamation. It started as a ceremony of bereavement and then as a movement for peace and action to stop the senseless deaths of children everywhere. Our society can commercialize all they want. Because in my heart of hearts I know the real meaning of this day came from pain, loss, and grief — the same things I am prone to feel on any given Mothers Day. And from now on, when people urge me to celebrate the day, I tell them this:

I’ll celebrate with you if you will first mourn with me. It is the combination of the two that lends itself to the true meaning of Mothers Day!

BCelebrated

I have 2 posts about this site and it is kind of a chicken and egg.. which one do I post first? So read them both together please and save me agonizing over it any more.

Debra emailed me and invited me to check out her site BCelebrated.com It is a site to 'Celebrate your life, now and forever.'

Basically you create a page for yourself. You upload photos, your life story, poems, music. You can enter contacts. When you die your list is contacted and your page is a place for loved ones to come celebrate your life.

I have played around with it just a little bit, but can tell you that although it seems kind of morbid, it is actually very comforting to me.

For one thing, you can write private letters to family members. I love this idea.

You can also put instructions for family to follow after you die. And this important to me. Although I don't like to think about dying, it isn't as scary to me as it maybe once was. I know I'll see Gabriel again and he is waiting for me. But one thing I absolutely want to happen is when I am buried I want Gabriel's ashes buried with me and his name also on my gravestone. So he is always with his mommy.

Debra was kind enough to set up a discount code for us. STONES will give you 75% OFF the membership. You can purchase as many as you like for friends and family. So you get $100 site for only $25.00.

Thanks, Debra!
peace-
emily

Angel Wings Memorial Boutique

Lea from Angel Wings Memorial Boutique sent me this beautiful photo awhile ago. I absolutely love it. Thank you, Lea!

I want to point you in her direction, if you haven't visited her site already. I'm so touched to see all our children's names.

What a wonderful way to honor the love and memory of her son, Nicholas. And such a beautiful idea to help heal the heart of moms (and dads) missing their children.

peace-
emily

BP/USA What Helps the Most

A few weeks ago I presented a workshop at the Bereaved Parents of the USA Conference in NYC. One workshop I attended was called "What Helps the Most" by Elaine Stillwell. Her son Denis and daughter Peggy were killed in a car accident.

I think this is a very helpful list. I'm also interested to hear why YOU think has helped you the most.

Funeral service (a ritual of saying goodbye and remembering)
Loving support (friends, family and faith)
Talking (telling our story, sharing our child)
Books (wisdom from those who have walked before us)
Expressing your feelings
Sacred Space (place and time to meditate and ponder)
A Spouse who respects your way of grieving
Crying
Notes and cards (saying 'I care')
Giving your anger a voice
The love of a pet
response from the clergy
discuss feelings with spouse and family
journaling
visiting the cemetary
yoga, treadmill, walking
give yourself a present (tell yourself it is from your child)
religion/spirituality
support group
music
vacations
exercise
writing
planting a garden
watching the growth of an amaryllis (or other flower)
planning a memorial
hobby
quilt making
welcoming their friends
establishing a scholarship
volunteering
new routines and traditions (new ways to celebrate holidays, new friends)
doing crazy things (license plate with their name, give angels to everyone)
stay in the present as much as possible

Aloha Remembered

I was invited to write about my sand site for the next SHARE newsletter, so I decided to also post here in the event that some of you may not know about this site.

I was recently invited to send in photos of my kids for a slideshow presentation. That stopped me for a minute. Gabriel was stillborn at 21 weeks and while I do have a photo of him, it is not one I often share with just anyone. And then I remembered his sand photo.

My sister wrote his name in the sand of a beach close to her home on the Windward Shore of Hawaii. It is a beach set aside as a ‘place of quiet reflection’. I love how the photo turned out- and it seems so suitable to me that it is not a permanent thing, but rather, just like Gabriel, it is here for just a minute and then gone. But for a brief moment, the world is a little different because of him.


At times it seems he was just a figment of my imagination. I am always looking to find ways to remember him and it is a comfort to see his name in print as another verification that he DID exist.


If you'd like us to write your child's name we'd love to do it. Please visit our site www.AlohaRemembered Aloha means hello, goodbye, love, peace, compassion and mercy- A perfect word for the many emotions a mom feels who has had too short a time with her baby. Aloha Remembered is a place for us to remember all our babies gone from us too soon.


peace-

emily

A new project! Need your help!

You know how you have ideas floating around in your head, maybe two or three things and then all of a sudden there is a connection and you just say, "Well, duh! Why didn't I think of that before?"

This is kind of like that.

But it is only half baked. I was going to wait until I was good and ready to go, but I'm guessing you all will have some ideas for me and maybe point out a few things I haven't yet thought of.

Here we go. I'll share my crazy thought process.

It kind of started with Kara's March Compassion Challenge and the idea that I carried through the last few weeks or so as I was having a hard time anticipating Gabriel's anniversary and Mother's Day. The idea that when I'm feeling bad I need to reach out and do something nice for someone else.

Then, I had thought to send Mother's Day cards out to anyone who wanted one. If you were one of the recipients you will see I'm not so much a crafty hand-makery kind of card person.

Someone was talking to me this week about a site that is kind of like netflixs but for greeting cards. You can use your computer to find what card you want, click and send it to someone in their mailbox. Snail mail, not an electronic greeting card. For as little as $25 you can get 10 cards that includes postage, so it is less expensive than buying the cards in the store. I found out you can have it send you reminders when special dates are coming up, which was the clincher for me because I am always thinking I'd like to send moms cards on their baby's anniversary dates but I am terrible about remembering them. (click here to find out more info, but I'll get back to this in a bit)

Then I signed up to be a Spirit Jumper- the button is on the side of my blog. I get addresses for people fighting cancer who need some well wishes and I can send a card or small gift. It cheers them up and feels good for me to do something for someone else.

But just a few minutes ago I had a 'zing!' kind of moment where I thought we need a list like this but for bereaved mom's missing their babies. Where we can send a card or small gift to someone who is having a hard time and let them know they are not alone in this.

What do you think? What should we call it? My first thought was 'send a smile' or 'sending smiles' or something like this but I'd like to hear your ideas.

Now, back to the 'sending a card with your email' thing. The more I look at this system the better I like it. You can upload your own photos to the front of the cards. You can use it to track and send cards easily and more inexpensively than store bought cards. And the BEST THING YET is we can make our own cards SPECIFICALLY for moms missing their babies.

Did anyone else have a hard time with the fact that I didn't really want a "Happy Mother's Day" card but not quite yet either a "Thinking of you on Mother's Day". Something kind of inbetween.

And you go to Hallmark and there are "Sympathy" cards and "Thinking of You" cards and "Sorry for your loss" cards and "Sorry for the loss of your pet" cards but NOTHING for "Sorry you are missing your sweet baby". Nothing that says "Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful child- I'm so sorry s/he is not with you".

Anyway, that is what my brain has been churning with and I'm working on putting it all together. Any comments? Suggestions? Ideas for names?

If anyone wants to try out the card sending system I can set up a gift account so you can send a few cards for free to give it a try. Just shoot me an email at nickwilberg@hotmail.com OR click the link and then click on the banner that says 'send a free card' and it will walk you through it.

peace-
emily

Anniversary Dates

I know some of you are very early in your journey, and I'm so sorry you have had to start down this path at all. I wish I could help make it easier. Some others of us are a little further along and have experienced anniversary dates. They are tough. I just had Gabriel's 7th anniversary on Sunday. And yes, it sucked.

I kept giving myself advice. Do you ever do that? Hear little voices in your head telling you what to do? I think: "If someone had posted this question on a message board, what advice would I give them?" Because I am so chock full of advice when it comes to message boards. Ask me anything about parenting, health, school situations or life and I'm glad to tell you what to do. But when it comes to actually doing it myself or giving myself that same advice that it gets tougher.

Anyway.

I kept giving myself advice I might tell someone else about surviving an anniversary date. Here are some of my little gems:

The days or weeks leading up to the date are harder than the day itself. This is usually true for me. Sunday was pretty ok until I hit about 1:00 and then I just crashed. I ended up in my backyard hammock for 3 solid hours just sleeping and watching the birds fly around down in the swampy area behind my house

Don't make a lot of plans until you see how you feel that day. Give yourself permission to stay in bed or in the house if you don't feel like going out. Yes, yes, I did this. But also I knew that I wanted to go to the cemetary and have cookies with my family and let a balloon go, so I had to force myself out of the house at some point. I usually make my husband take the day off of work, but he didn't need to do that this year because it was Sunday.

Do a random act of kindness for someone else in memory of your child. I had done this throughout the month of May. Whenever I started feeling kind of sad or freaked out I did something for someone else

Make some kind of tangible memento to put in Gabriel's scrapbook In the past this has included taking a photo of the sky on Gabriel's day and also writing a letter to him. I try to do a scrapbook page each year to continue to add to his scrapbook

I'd love to hear what you have done on anniversary dates. Thanks so much for sharing with us what helps.

peace-
emily

Happy Mother's Day

I wanted to let you know I am thinking about you all this Mother's Day. It seems wrong to say "Happy" Mother's Day, but you loved and do love your babies as much as any mom and I hope Sunday is a special day. I'm so sorry your babies are not with you.

For me, I can't believe it is 7 years since Gabriel was stillborn. I'm not sure what the plan is for Sunday. I am reserving the right to stay in bed if that is what I need to do. Often we go for a hike on Gabriel's day. In the evening we go to a nearby church cemetary (even though Gabriel is cremated, he is not there) and have a family ceremony where we talk, eat cupcakes and let a balloon go.

I hope it is a gentle, peaceful day for all us moms. This week has been terrible. I keep telling myself what I tell other moms- the weeks or days leading up to an anniversary date are often harder than the day itself. I hope this is actually true.

((hugs))
emily

Aloha Remembered

You may know I have taken down my sand-site-that-shall-not-be-named but you may not know we are still taking photos of our babies names in the sand.

Check out our new site Aloha Remembered

My sister lives on the windward shore of Hawaii- there is a beach there designated as a 'quiet place of rememberance' and she will take photos of our babies names. I will post your baby's photo on our site, and you can choose to either receive the high res image by email or an 8x10 by snail mail.

We have decided to start charging for this project, so we are able to donate from the profits. Some places we have donated so far include March of Dimes, SHARE and my hospital's bereavement committee.

I picked the name "Aloha Remembered" because the photos are taken in Hawaii and the word Aloha means both hello, and goodbye. Actually, it means quite a bit more than that, including peace, love, compassion. So fitting. All these things I said and felt to my baby as I said both hello, goodbye, and 'I love you' to Gabriel all at once. 7 years ago this Sunday

If you have a button on your blog from my other site, THANK YOU. But be aware that site is no longer active. I'm working on a button for our new Aloha Remembered site and hope to have it up soon.

Making a List!

I hate when people talk about TV shows and then if you haven't seen it they proceed to tell you the whole plot of the sitcom. You know? But that's what I'm kind of going to do.

We watched the Office last night. Well, dh watched it. I was trying to read. I try to say I don't like that show. But then I find myself watching it. And laughing.

Anyway, Michael started his own paper company. When Pam showed up for work the first day (at his house) he was still in his robe. Unable to get dressed- overwhelmed by what he had gotten himself into. She told him when she is overwhelmed she makes a list. And feels better crossing things off of it. (Something like that- I tell you, I was trying not to watch it ;0)

But that's what I need today. A big fat list of everything annoying or bothering me. All the loose ends. And then either FINISH some of them (make a darn dentist appointment, already! Clear off and dust my desk!) or LET IT GO. Ok! Lose 30 pounds ain't happening today. But I can maybe take a walk. Drink a glass of water.

That's what I'm going to work on this weekend.

C'mon, Emily. Get going!

Beauty in the Breakdown

I want to thanks Stephanie for this honest and beautiful piece:

I didn't set out to creative. In fact, it was the exact opposite. I set out to be destructive. To smash and destroy.

I am a big believer in allowing yourself to feel your emotions, especially when they are grief driven. I think it is dangerous to bury them deep inside of you, where they will fester and stew until they have permeated every cell in your being. For me, I need to sit with my anger, my sadness, and allow it its space. I let my emotions crash over me and drag me under. I feel their weight on top of me, sometimes I am sure they will suffocate me this time, but the wave always recedes eventually.

In the beginning it was all shock and numbness. I felt nothing and so I did nothing. I sat on my couch in the dark and stared at the wall and ate cheerios.

As the shock and numbness wore off I was overwhelmed by the intensity of my emotions and I desperately needed a release. I would become so angry sometimes that I just wanted to smash everything in my house. After breaking some of our dishes I admitted to my grief counselor that I was afraid I was destined for a life of paper plates and dixie cups. She suggested I buy some cheap clay pots and smash those instead. I stopped at AC Moore on my way home and picked some up. The woman at the register began wrapping them in paper and kindly pointed out a small crack in one of the pots to me. I replied flatly that it didn't matter, I was going to destroy them as soon as I got home. It was months before I realized how odd that must have sounded.

When I got home I stood in my driveway and heaved the pots at the asphalt as hard as I could. They smashed splendidly. I loved the crashing sound they made as they shattered against the ground. When I was done I surveyed the driveway, there were shards of broken flower pots everywhere. They had been completely destroyed, and it felt good. I took a deep breath, savoring my destruction, and then went inside. My husband swept them up and threw them away. It continued like this for awhile. A wave of frustration would take hold of me, I would take it out on a flower pot or two, and my husband would take care of the mess. Then one day I picked up a few of the pieces myself. I looked at them and thought about how these broken little pieces used to be a flower pot. They used to have a purpose, they were molded into the perfect shape to hold a beautiful flower, and now they were nothing but wrecked little scraps. I started to cry as I thought of all I thought I was destined to be for Madeline, and how broken and useless I felt without her. I decided not to throw away these broken pieces, to instead give them another chance to be something. I collected them and brought them inside. With workable cement and paint I sculpted them into a mangled heart. This is me, I thought as I examined its rough edges and misshaped form. Badly broken but somehow still here.

Seeing how creation could grow from destruction was inspiring. And using my creativity to give voice to my emotions was liberating. I began painting and sculpting and writing out everything I felt. Sometimes I would begin a piece with a specific idea in mind, but most of the time I just sat down at the canvas with a brush in my hand and tears in my eyes, and I just let it happen. I can't even begin to explain how good it feels to release the those toxic feelings from my body and spread them all over the canvas.

Turning to creative expression was without a doubt the very best thing I did for myself in response to Madeline's death. I would encourage everyone who has lost a child to try to explore your emotions this way at least once. Don't worry if you don't think of yourself as an artistic or creative person, that is not at all what this is about. This is about allowing yourself and your sadness a voice. It is about expressing your honest feelings, feelings that are all too often ignored or avoided in our society. So take a moment to pick up a brush or a pen or an unsuspecting flower pot and just see what comes of it. And if it grows into something that you would like to share, I would love to see it and even add it to the community gallery at Beauty in the Breakdown (with your permission of course.)

peace,
Stephanie Cole

Stephanie is the founder of the Sweet Pea Project (http://www.sweetpeaproject.org) and the artist behind the Beauty In The Breakdown exhibit (http://www.beautyinthebreakdownart.blogspot.com)
More importantly, Stephanie is the mother to a beautiful little girl named Madeline, who passed away after 41 weeks of perfect pregnancy for reasons unknown.

Remembering Our Babies Bracelets

In the early days after Gabriel's death, it was very difficult to go out in public. It seemed there were pregnant women and babies everywhere I looked. What took me a while to realize is that I was also probably seeing women who had experienced loss, too. But although a baby dying crushes you inwardly, there is no outward sign or symbol.

An orphan is someone who has lost their parents. A widow or widower is someone who has lost their spouse. But someone grieving their child? Our language has no word for that particular person. Just mom. Grieving mom. Or dad.

How awesome it would be if we could recognize each other. If we could walk into a PTA meeting, or church, or grocery store and know that the other person we are talking to knows our particular pain. That they understand.

These rubber band bracelets were created to be just such a symbol. The white ones say "Remembering Our Babies" and have a little baby footprints. Dads are wearing these, too.

The smaller pink and blue 'swirl' ones just say "Remembering" and also have the baby footprints. They are for women with smaller wrists, or for siblings.

Because none of us should feel that we are alone.

peace-
emily

To order bracelets, please visit PregnancyLossRibbons.com I do donate from the profit from this site.

The Magic Quilt Project

As part of my participation in the March Compassion Challenge I decided to participate in the Magic Quilt Project. I had been meaning to do it for awhile- but sometimes I appreciate a good swift kick to get me going.

My entry was posted yesterday, I'm going to copy it here. But be sure to go over to the Magic Quilt Blog and see all the other stories and find out what it is all about.




When my son Gabriel was stillborn, we were blindsided. I had no idea that in this age of modern medicine babies still died. It was something that happened back in the pioneer days, or maybe third world countries. Not now, not to me.

Unreal.

Coming home from the hospital I refused to wear my maternity clothes- what a cruel joke. And yet, none of my regular clothes fit me. My mom bought me a pair of pajama pants- a field of deep blue with stars. So cozy and comfortable.

I wore those pants probably for the first month straight. I holed up in my room, watching MASH reruns and sleeping. And my family and neighbors let me do what I needed to do- shut down for a little bit. They took my kids back and forth to school. They dropped off meals to feed my kids. I remember so much love expressed from those days. Sadness, too, but lots of love.

Even still I wear those pants, even now. And I have worn them through two subsequent pregnancies and the sleep deprived days of nursing new babies. They are faded and worn, but so comfortable.

I went to the fabric store last night intending to get a piece of cloth with little bugs on it- ladybugs, maybe. (Gabriel's nickname was 'goldbug', from when we were reading a Richard Scarry book to our then 4 and 5 year old when we told them we were going to have a baby.) Or maybe a piece with butterflies- butterflies are symbolic to so many.

But I was drawn to these blues. The deeper blue in particular. They look so similar to the pajama pants. I remember the love my mom expressed when she got them for me and gave me permission to mourn. The love of those days as I grieved my baby. And the sleepless nghts and days as I have nursed my new babies. The starry design symbolic of endless love of a mother for her children, through the eternities.

This is for anyone, anywhere, remembering their children.

peace-
emily

Stumbling Block! Other People's Pregnancies

I received this email from Amber and related so much to what she says:

Something that has been difficult for me is that I had 2 other sisters who were pregnant while I was. One who was due in October and one who was due in January (almost exactly a month before me). When I lost Gunnar, it was so hard for me to even be around my sisters. Even though I was so happy for them, it was so hard. One sister had had several miscarriages and the other had been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years. They had both had their own struggles so they each deserved their happiness. When my first sister had her babies (twins!) in October, I couldn't even go around those babies for a long time. Of course I called her and made some meals for her, but it was so hard to be around them. I finally went to see them and in doing so, it helped heal my hurt a little. When I held each one of those beautiful miracles, I cried but it felt good to in a way "fill my void".

When I was pregnant with Gabriel my sister and sister-in-law were pregnant at the same time. Actually, with my 3 siblings and my husband's 4 sisters there has been one or the other of us pregnant at any given time for the past 12 years. There may have been others pregnant at that same time. I've mostly blocked it out.

That is kind of how my brain deals with people being pregnant, even now. Isn't that terrible? It is like I am pretending they aren't pregnant until they 'SHOW ME THE BABY' (do you hear me doing a Cuba Gooding accent from Jerry Maguire?) Sorry. I shouldn't make light of it. I don't mean to. But I no longer equate 'pregnant' with the end result of 'going to have a baby'. It's terrible. I know. So cynical. It makes my husband crazy.

Anyway.

I remember specifically my sister being pregnant because we had a conversation at that time about it. She felt so bad- terrible. Guilty, almost. That she was pregnant and I wasn't. It was easy for me to be magnanimous about it because she lives in Hawaii and I didn't have to see her big pregnant belly every day. I didn't begrudge her HER baby. I just wanted mine. If you know what I mean.

My other sister in law lives here, close by. And it WAS hard to be around her. And especially when her little baby came home. But she and my brother asked permission to give their baby 'Gabriel' for a middle name. How kind to honor him in that way. I know some people do not like others using their baby's names because a name is the only unique thing we are left with. But this was kindly done and I appreciate it.

I thought it interesting that Amber expressed it was healing to hold babies. I have heard others say that, too. For me, I can not hold other people's babies. Still, today, it is hard for me. I rarely do. I will ooh and aah over them but do not hold them.

Thanks so much to Amber for sharing this email with us.

peace-
emily

Pioneer Women

Soon after Gabriel died I went through a period where I was reading journals of pioneer women. I felt a relation with these women, in a small way. They suffered such trials, hardships and tragedy. Their everyday lives were filled with hard work and no conveniences or comforts. Add on top of that the dangers and risks.

Often they experience the death of their children. Children died in so many ways. Snake bites. Drinking the laudanum and overdosing. Tetnus, drowning, dying during birth- so many dying at birth.

These women buried their young ones, and were expected to be up and working the next day. I was particularly interested in the ones who were on the trail- walking on their way to their new homes, and leaving the small grave behind as they moved on. So so sad. So so hard. How did they do it? It is really too much to understand and bear.

And I am struck by the strength of women. To get up again. To try again. To put our heart out there and love again and risk loss.

Pioneer Women are my heroes.

Another topic I've been avoiding- Religion

When I first started this blog I was pretty adamant I was going to avoid the whole religion topic. It can be so very divisive. And I wanted a place where people could come together.

A while ago I had someone send me a pretty nasty email. They had found my Pregnancy Loss Ribbons Awareness site and felt the need to question me further. They suspected I belonged to a particular religious group from one of the links on my resource page. They then told me they could not support me or my site because of that. They were very offended. Personally offended. Like I had knocked on their door and demanded their attention and tried to cram my beliefs down their throats. They then got very personal and told me I was not a Christian. And it went downhill from there.

So I usually try to tiptoe around the issue. About God. About Faith. I figure I have my beliefs in religion and you have yours and maybe they are the same and maybe they are different, but let's all be friends and help support each other as we learn to live without our children.

I occasionally read a comment or post that someone's faith is what pulled them through when they lost their child. How very wonderful. I am so glad that they have that support and strength. I know others do not. And this is what I kind of think about that.

I think maybe there are three types of people.

1. People who have religion and faith and feel that no matter what happens they can rely on God and trust him.

2. People who used to have religion and faith and currently feel very confused, conflicted, hurt and/or angry. They are not sure how or why a loving God would allow these things to happen.

3. People who do not have religion

My definitions may be off a bit. You will not believe how long this just took me to type those out substituting words like 'religion, faith, beliefs, and other alternate words. This is the best I can do for now.

I think we can all coexist together. I'm not trying to stir anything up. Really. Please don't take it that way.

People from group 1 and 3 LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear from others in their group. They feel strengthened and supported.

People from group 1 and 3 maybe don't want to hear from the other group. They either believe or they don't and probably will never change their minds about the topic. They may even get angry at the other group.

The people from group 2 probably sympathize with both group 1 and 3. And at some point they probably cross over to belong to either group 1 or 3.

So what does this have to do with anything? A lot, I think. At least a lot to explain about why I don't talk about religion much. Not because I don't have faith. But because I don't want to isolate or offend any of you who come here to get support about child loss and aren't looking for a Sunday school lesson.

But I do want to post occasionally about topics that touch on religion. I'd like to share my story. Sometimes I'd like to share books or quotes that are religion-y. I do want to share things that helped ME and some of them are indeed churchy.

So, I apologize to anyone who didn't sign up for that. Skip those posts. I'll try to give a heads up that it is coming.

I hope today is gentle for you.
peace-
emily

Presidents and Grief

This is taken from the current issue of the Bereaved Parents of the USA newsletter

We often forget how many people have suffered the same loss as each of us. It is especially interesting to realize that many of our Presidents and their wives are not immune.

John Adams & Abigail had 5 children. One daughter, Susanna, died at one year of age

Thomas Jefferson and Martha had 6 children. Five died: 5month old Jane, a 2.5 week old son, a 4 month old daughter, 25 year old Mary and 3 year old Lucy. What a lot of grief!

James Monroe and Elizabeth had 3 children and their son died at 1 year of age.

John Quincy Adams & Louisa Catherine had 4 children. Catherine died at 1 year of age.

John Taylor & Letitia had 8 children and one, Anne, died in infancy.

Zachary Taylor & Margaret had 6 children. Octavia died at 3 years of age and Margaret at 1 year.

Franklin Pierce & Jane had 3 sons: Franklin died when 3 days old, Frank Robert died at 4 years and Benjamin died at 10.

Abraham Lincoln & Mary Todd had 4 sons: Edward Baker died at 3 years of age, William Wallace who died at 11 years of age and TAd who died at 18 years of age.

Rutherford Hayes & Lucy had 8 children. Joseph died at 2 years of age, George Crook died at 2 years of age and Manning Force died at 1 year of age.

James Garfield and Lucretia had 7 children. Eliza died at 2 years of age and Edward died at 2 years of age.

Chester Arthur & Ellen had 3 children. Willian Lewis Herndon died at 2 years of age.

William McKinley& Ida had 2 children. Both died: Katherine at 4 years of age and Ida at 4 months of age.

Calvin Coolidge & Grace had 2 sons: Calvin, Jr. died at 16 years of age.

Franklin Roosevelt and Eleanore had 6 children: Franklin Delano died at 8 months of age.

Dwight Eisenhower & Mamie had 2 sons. Doud Dwight died at 3 years of age.

John Kennedy & Jackie had 3 children. Patrick died at 2 days old and John died after both his parents.

George Bush & Barbara had one daughter, Robin, die at 3 years of age.

In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all. It comes with bittersweet agony. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better. And, yet, this is a mistake. You are sure ot be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you less miserable now. I have experienced enough to know what I say.
- Abraham Lincoln

A quick note about BP/USA: I haven't been to a meeting in person, but I AM attending their gathering this July in NYC and will be presenting a workshop. You can get more info about the gathering here.

I've Got a Pretty Good Attitude!

I was talking yesterday to a good friend of mine, Lisa. She has been a big support for me, even though she herself has a lot of challenges with her life and kid's health. She is the one who I had originally had the being good to yourself discussion and we were kind of having a follow up conversation about that.

I was telling her about the
'I Get To.. idea and how that was such a lightbulb moment for me.

She then said something that struck me as funny and I started laughing.

She said "I've usually got a pretty good attitude.. except when I'm depressed".

Isn't that the truth? That is totally true for me, too!

I've usually got a pretty good attitude, except when I am depressed!

peace-
emily

Memorial Jewelry

Do you have an item of jewelry you bought in memory of your child?

After Gabriel died I splurged on a special necklace from MISS.
I love it.



I came across this other site recently with neat jewelry www.cccgifts.com

Some of my favorites are:

the 'Footprints on my heart' necklace

and the

'Forever My Baby' necklace

The owner has sent us a discount code good for 10% off any item in her store until Feb3rd. The code is EMILY10. Thanks, Diane!


peace-
emily