Sweet Dreams. Little One

Andrea R asked me to post this beautiful poem she wrote after she miscarried a few days ago. ((hugs)) Andrea. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
peace-
emily

It feels un real, it feels silly.
I never held you. I never saw you.
I never felt you. I didn’t know you.
It's true though.
I miss you. I loved you. I wanted you.
I had no name for you.
I try not to blame me.
You and me, we were 1, you left me.
I’m angry & I’m sorry.
sweet dreams little one.
-Andrea R.

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift." -Elizabeth Edwards.

For all of us Mothers-

“The moment a child is (conceived and) born,
the mother is also (conceived and) born.
She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
A mother is something absolutely new.”

Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh
(Indian Spiritual leader, 1931-1990)

I added the (conceived and)

The moment you find out you are pregnant you start loving and making plans for your child. You ARE a mom- I'm so sorry you child is not with you today.

I'm wishing all of you a gentle and peaceful Mother's Day

peace-
emily

Good Works and Creativity- April newsletter

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you,
I could walk forever in my garden. ~Attributed to Claudia Ghandi

Chance is always powerful, let your hook always be cast;
in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.
~Ovid

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. ~Maori Proverb



Have I really not sent an email for almost 3 months! Oh, my. Sorry about that.

I have a hard time in the spring. It is beautiful, with all the trees in bloom and little shoots of hopeful flowers peeking out of the mud. But the change in temperature reminds me that it will soon be May. Gabriel was stillborn the week of Mother's Day. I feel myself wanting to curl up in a ball and go to bed.

And so, I try to look outside of myself. To motivate myself to do some good in the world. At least for the weeks leading up to Gabriel's day I try to give to others. On his day itself I allow myself to shut down and make it all about me, but for the next few weeks I try to give.

I have heard the idea of creating our children's legacy. The idea that our kids are not here to create their own legacies themselves, so we have the responsibility to do it for them. By our kindness projects and acts of service.

I am always amazed by the generosity and creativity of grieving moms. That in the midst of their grief, they are able to reach out and help someone else. Way to go, moms! Your kids are proud of you.

There is no way to list all of the good works going on out there, but let me just highlight a few. Click their links to find out more info. If you have a project you are doing, I'd love to hear about it- send me the information and I'll post it on my blog.

Stephanie has the Sweet Pea Project, in memory of her daughter Madeline. She collects blankets to donate to hospitals.

Kathryn at Expectant Hearts blog has her project, Something for Seth, where she is collecting onesies, socks and pillowcases to donate to her hospital. They just remembered Seth's 2nd birthday, but it is my understanding this is an ongoing project.

Lisa's Waterfall Angels started in memory of her son Jasper. I love the gorgeous photo she did for Gabriel.

Lea's Angel Wings memorial boutique, in memory of her son Nicholas. I love the photo of Gabriel's wings she sent me.

The on-going project of my sister and I: Aloha Remembered. If you'd like your child's name written in the sand in Hawaii we'd love to do this for you. We do charge a small amount and then donate from the profits.

And I know many of you participate in March of Dimes in memory of your children. Send me your link and I'll post it on my blog.

((Hugs)) to all moms missing their children today.
peace-
emily

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

I was reading my mom's Woman's World Magazine and came across this gem on page 42. I think it was the current issue; I ripped the page out so can't check it. Sorry for any of you fact checking my blog, lol

Be Good to Yourself!
Feeling like you don't do enough?
You do!
Pushing yourself to do more?
Please don't!
Life isn't only about to-do lists
Every now and then, it should be about wish lists- yours!
What do you want?
What do you need?
Pick something big or small and make it happen.
Everyone deserves to be happy.
Including you!

I like the idea that my New Year's Resolutions can be a WISH LIST instead of a To-Do List.

What's on your list for this year??

Gearing up for New Years

This week between Christmas and New Years is always a big blur to me. And I'm not a drinker.

It is a lot of nit-picky, clean-up stuff from this last year in preparation for a big fresh new DO-OVER of next year. It is kind of like how every Monday is a fresh start for my diet and exercise program (my program that I don't have.. I keep telling myself I'll start it next Monday.. a day that never comes)but NEW YEARS is HUGE! A brand new chance! To do it, get started with my goals. My chance to get organized, my chance to get my act together and really be where I want to be.

So, in preparation, I'll share a few of my 'inspirational' quotes I've got rolling around in my head.


"Tomorrow is fresh, with no mistakes in it."
— L.M. Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables)

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."
-Dr. Seuss

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
-Dr. Seuss



You can’t do EVERYTHING. But you can do SOMETHING.
Helen Keller

15 minutes a day to create something beautiful. We can do so much if we just GET STARTED

Lessons from Grief and Pain

"My grief and pain are mine. I have earned them. They are part of me. Only in feeling them do I open myself to the lessons they can teach."
-Anne Wildon Schaef



At first the pain was overwhelming. And then there came a time when the pain started to fade. And I MISSED IT. Because it felt to me that forgetting my pain meant I was forgetting my boy.

After a long while, I was able to step back from the initial grief and pain and it instead turned to tenderness towards my boy. And pride that I am chosen to be his mom.

I do think losing Gabriel taught me a lot. Patience. An appreciation for how much my parents love me. An unbefore-seen tender side of my husband. The fact that I'm a lot stronger than I ever suspected.

And mostly, a reminder to just lighten up about all the small stuff. In a flash, I was reminded of what is important. Family. Love. Our Health.

Has your grief and pain taught you any lessons?

Waiting for you..

WARNING, SLIGHTLY RELIGIOUS, but whatcha gonna do?

Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you.
-Walt Whitman

I do feel like our babies are waiting for us. And that we will see them again someday.

I try to remember that eternity is a darn long time. And our time on this earth just a quick second of it. I try to picture my son playing with his friends. He tells them, "Hold on a sec", pops in for a real quick "Hi, Mom!" and then he is back again to his friends, back to his game he was playing.

Someday I'll catch up to him. For now I'm glad for the quick minute I had with him, and just waiting until I can hug and squeeze him as much as I've wanted to for so long.

peace-
emily

You Will Smile Again

Pain- has an Element of Blank-
It cannot recollect
When it began- or if there were
A time when it was not-
-Emily Dickinson

I know I found this true for me. I was grieving so hard and in so much pain that it was hard to remember that there was ever a time when I had been happy. Or to ever imagine that there might be a time when I might possibly be happy again.

And that makes it even more obnoxious and offensive when people around you go back to everyday things. Or worse, trivial, trite things.

I often read a message board on a site that is for scrapbooking, but they talk about all kind of things. And I remember there was a post "What color are your toenails painted". With like 6 pages of replies. Really? There exists a world out there where people talk about this stupid kind of thing?

And another post where the woman was upset- FURIOUS really, because her inlaws had said that for this year instead of Christmas gifts they were going to take everyone on a cruise. I remember this post was early in the year- April, May, something like that. And she was already working herself up for a family fight because instead of Christmas gifts she was going to get a free cruise. Because "she was going to be pregnant by then and wouldn't be able to drink or look cute in her bathing suit".

It took every bit of my control to not smack this lady in the head. I know so many women who wish and pray and suffer through all sorts of medical prods, pokes, pinches and examinations in the hope they will be pregnant. It isn't the kind of thing you can really SCHEDULE. And really? To get upset because you are being given a free cruise? This lady needs a dose of reality. Of perspective.

Perspective is one gift Gabriel gave to me, I think. I use to get so upset and frustrated by small stuff. And now, when I can, I really try to take a step back and think "If this is the worst thing that happens to me today it is really a pretty good day" I'm not always successful with this, but I really try.

I'm so sorry that some of us here are still in the place where it is impossible to think things will ever be 'good' again. They will. You will smile again. It definitely takes time. Hang in there.

((hugs))
peace-
emily

Aloha

So maybe I've mentioned my sister lives in Hawaii (mentioned it once or twice or a hundred times) and you maybe know about our site-that-shall-not-be-named where she writes our babies names for us in the sand and takes a photo. We are in the process of trying to find another name and starting up again (for now go on over to my site PregnancyLossRibbons.com but you didn't hear it from me)

I've been thinking a lot about the word "Aloha" and want to use that in our new name. Aloha is used for both 'hello' and 'goodbye', which for many of us is exactly how we greeted our babies- saying hello and goodbye at the same time.

But as I was researching it a little more I found out Aloha also means love, peace, compassion and mercy. How wonderful! One little word. Perfect.

Any ideas for new names for our new site? Nothing already trademarked, please! LOL

Aloha,
emily

Hanami Prints

I just discovered this site and wanted to share it with all of you- so many beautiful items. They have gorgeous jewelry, angel announcements, candles, and so many rememberance items. They are offering free shipping until 4/30

They also have a page with quite a few quotes. Some of my favorites I found there include:

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough
— Tagore

There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart
— Gandhi

Hanami Prints

Hanami Prints Quotes Page

This Club We Never Wanted To Join

When it seems that our sorrow is too great to be borne, let us think of the great family of the heavy-hearted into which our grief has given us entrance, and inevitably, we will feel about us their arms, their sympathy, their understanding.
- Helen Keller

Thank you so much for sharing your stumbling blocks with me. It helps so much to know I'm not alone in these things. That I'm not crazy. Or if I am, we all are.

We now belong to a club none of us wanted to join. But I do feel comforted to know that there are people out there who understand. Who share my sorrow, who understand. It makes all the difference in the world.

Thank you.
peace-
emily

The Cracked Pot

I heard this story today and wanted to share it with you.

A water bearer in India had two large pots,
one hung on each end of a pole which he carried
across his neck. One of the pots had a crack
in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always
delivered a full portion of water at the end
of the long walk from the stream to the
master's house. The cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it
spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

Why?" asked the bearer.

"What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house.

Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some.

But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side?

That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them.

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers
to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

It is funny. I didn't see that ending coming. I was relating to the water carrier- toiling along day after day and only getting half of what he should.

But we are the pot- imperfect, cracked, leaky. We try our best but end with less than we think we should have.

Look around. You may be influencing those around you in spite of your defect. Or quite possibly because of it.

None of us quite know the impact we have on the world.

peace-
emily

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss

I thought this was a great chance to share some quotes from my favorite twentieth century poet and philosopher. Yesterday was Dr. Seuss's birthday- he would have been 105.

One that has always reminded me of Gabriel:
A person's a person, no matter how small.
-Dr. Seuss


Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
-Dr. Seuss

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
-Dr. Seuss

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.
-Dr. Seuss

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..."
-Dr. Seuss

and my new favorite:

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
-Dr. Seuss

The Weaver

I had read a poem at one point that expressed the idea that our lives are like a tapestry. We only see the bottom- which is a big mess. The purpose of particular colors or pattern is unclear. It makes no sense to us. Only after death will we get to see the top- the reason for the colors and the order they were placed.

I had posted this on SHARE and a friend who does cross stitch said this made so much sense to her. I guess when you are working on a cross stitch piece you first do the bright colors and it is difficult to see the pattern- it isn't until you add the black threads to outline that the image emerges. You need that contrast. The black threads have a purpose, in addition to the colorful threads.

I do not do handicrafts. I do not have that talent (or patience!) but I relate to the image of the messy back. Once when I was about 10 in a church youth program they had us do an embroidery piece. I remember the tangled threads on the back (and mine was particularly bad- my friends didn't have nearly the difficulty I did).

Maybe I don't know all the reasons why. I hope someday to get to see the 'top' of the piece. The pattern of my life.

The Weaver
(I found two different names credited to this poem- not sure which is correct)
Benjamine Malachi Franklin/Grant Colfax Tullar

My life is but a weaving,
between my Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colors,
He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow,
and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper,
and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent,
and the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas,
and explain the reason why

The dark threads are as needful
in the Weaver's skillful hand
As threads of gold and silver
in the pattern He has planned.

Aaron's mommy sent me a quote she loves- and so do I

"In life there are moments when you miss someone so much, that you wish you could just grab them out of your dreams and hug them tight!"

Thanks for sharing that with us, Nikki!

None of us are alone

...All those who try to go it sole alone
Too proud to be beholden for relief
Are absolutely sure to come to grief.
-Robert Frost

This is one thing that makes this journey easier- the knowing that I am not in it alone. I mean, in real life it feels lonely sometimes. It seems everyone around me is back to business, back to the real life living and I'm left kind of by myself. And that is a lonely feeling.

But then I go to SHARE message boards (which are amazing.. if you haven't visited them I'd encourage you to stop by) or come post here and people reach out to me. People I don't know in real life. People whos story really maybe isn't that different than mine. People that give me ((hugs)). People who care.

And reading your stories, your blogs, your messages it confirms what I was hoping all along. I'm not crazy for feeling this way. Or at least, if I AM crazy, at least I'm not the only one.

Big ((hugs)) to everyone today!
Thanks for reading!
Extra thanks to those who comment!
I surely appreciate you all more than you know.

peace-
emily

Looking for Peace

Possess yourself as much as you possibly can in peace; not by any effort, but by letting all things fall to the ground which trouble or excite you. This is no work, but is, as it were, a setting down a fluid to settle that has become turbid through agitation.
-Madame Guyon

I came across this quote. I think this is good advice for me, right now.

I have been so agitated the last few days. I can't settle down. I'm trying to clean my basement, so the rest of the house is trashed by the time I return upstairs. I've been yelling a lot.

I had a conversation with my neighbor that I regret (we have agreed not to discuss politics- we are on such different places- and I broke that agreement) and then I repeated it to another friend that I later realized wasn't such a brilliant idea either. I am anxious, on edge.

I dislike crowds. They make me nervous- such opportunity for one stupid person to harm a lot of others. So many people downtown today, in the cold... I worry.

They showed a woman on TV who drove here from Texas with her 4 children to take them downtown. She has no place to stay, no tickets to the event. And she came. And brought her kids- including a 2 month old baby. It is about 25 degrees. I worry about that baby.

I hope everyone is SAFE today. Warm enough. I'll be glad when today is over.

Sorry for the downer post. I've been quiet the last few days not wanting to spread my negativity. Everyone around me is estatic, excited, thrilled, celebrating. The news tells me it is a day of optimisim, a day of hope. I'm not feeling it. I feel alone.

I think I'll head back down to my basement. Don't mess up the kitchen while I'm gone.

(hoping for) peace-
(and a clean basement at the end of it)
emily

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?- Marianne Williamson, from her book Reflections of Love

This quote has jumped out at me twice yesterday from two different sources- from the Healing After Loss book, and from the movie I watched last night Akelah and the Bee (I liked this movie a lot).

I guess this means I need to think about this quote more- I don't have anything brilliant to say about it yet, but I'll get back to you. Or if you want to tell me what it mean to you I'd love to hear it.

peace- emily

It takes as long as it takes

...you will not be cured, but... one day- an idea that will horrify you now- this intolerable misfortune will become a blessed memory of a being who will never again leave you. But you are in a stage of unhappiness where it is impossible for you to have faith in these reassurances. -Marcel Proust

There is no way out, only a way forward. -Michael Hollings

I have been reading the book "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" but instead of just reading one a day instead I've been flipping through the book, reading parts here and there. This one jumped out at me (in my own words):

It takes as long as it takes. Grieving can not be shortened, or cheated. People sometimes tell us it is time to 'get over it' and we ourselves may think that the faster we get through the sooner we will be back to feeling better. But consider this- in many things we do and experience, faster is not necessarily better (food, or sex for example) and it is better to 'do it right' the first time. (Whatever 'right' means for you.)

I hope today is gentle for you. peace- emily