My Happy Place

Zil made a comment that I was "such a good example."

Uh oh.

I'm so not.

IRL (that's In Real Life) I would never be called a 'good example' as I sit here in my pjs, unshowered in my untidy house, blogging when I should be doing my work-from-home job.

That's why I like blogging so much, I think.

I can come here create a happy place for myself. I can be what I want to be. 30 lbs thinner, fashionably funky dressed, witty and clever, always saying the right thing.

I like this place because it is one of the only places I am known solely as "Gabriel's mom". I think of it like we are all a bunch moms sitting around at a playgroup, chatting amongst ourselves while our children play together. They just happen to be just out of sight. But if we listen hard we can hear their happy little voices.

I think mine just hit yours. Sorry about that! I'll remind him to play nice.

peace-
emily

Speaking of Zil, why not pop over to her blog Three Little Birds and see the gorgeous Certificate of Life she got from the Shrine of the Holy Innocents for her Baby Boy G.

To find out how you can request a certificate for your child, click here

More Women Doing More

Many thanks to the folks over at Women Doing More for posting How to Help Someone Grieving the Loss of a Child. I appreciate the chance to get the word out there- the best (maybe the ONLY thing) to say is "I'm so sorry" and then be there to listen, even after everyone else has gotten back to business as usual.

Why not go check out their blog? They have many inspiring ideas about how small acts can make our world a better place.

But before you head over there, don't forget to sign up for my Peaceful New Year GiveAway

Playing the Glad Game

I don't know if you've seen the movie Pollyanna. It's a movie from 1960 about a little girl who is orphaned and sent to live with her cold aunt in an unfriendly town. She is optimistic and bright, and is always talking about playing the 'glad game' How every situation in life has something you can find to feel glad about. When her parents were alive they were missionaries and the family was very poor. For Christmas, Pollyanna was wishing for a doll for Christmas. Instead, a set of crutches were received in the missionary barrel. And they played the glad game- she was glad she didn't have to use them.

I'm NOT going to tell you to play the glad game about the loss of our children. I'm not going to say everything happens for a reason. If someone said that to me I'd smack them in the head. Although, now, nearly 7 years later, I have been able to discover some gifts I've received in my life due to Gabriel's loss. You can read that post here

I AM going to say that in my everyday life, though, I try to play the glad game when I can. I was thinking about it this week when my entire house was struck with the stomach flu. A nasty bug that cycled through the house and I watched my family succumb one by one and all I could do was keep the washing machine running and stay out of the way on their mad dashes to the bathroom.

So I started to play the glad game in the event that I were to get this bug- would there be anything to be glad about? What I came up with was this- it surely would kick start my new year's diet- a quick way to lose a few pounds.

Pretty thin, I know.

Nobody was sick yesterday. I'm starting to think maybe I dodged this bullet. Fingers crossed. And that is what I'm glad about today. It takes so little to make me happy these days.

I hope today is gentle (and illness free) for you
peace- emily

Peaceful New Year Giveaway! Enter Now!

I’ve got some prizes I super love and hope you will too. I was thinking about my word of the yearand what could make my life (and yours) more peaceful.

My first thought was a weekly maid service to clean the bathroom and kitchen.




I wish I could say this was one of my prizes. Alas, it is not. You will have to clean your bathtub yourself.

However! Once you have a clean bathtub, maybe you would like to enjoy a bubble bath. And that is where I can help you out.

I am giving away some goodies from Bath and Body Works-


Fresh Vanilla bubble bath and shower gel (2oz )


Aromatherapy stress relieving body wash RELAX Eucalyptus Spearamint Scent (2oz)


“Instant Comfort” aromatherapy Vanilla and Chamomile scent (.3oz)



Also, I wanted to show you one of my favorite artists: Lindy Longhurst
I love the vibrant colors and sweet expressions. Several of her pieces resonate with me but my very favorite is perfect for my peaceful new year giveaway: I have a magnet with the ‘Dream by the River image’ for this giveaway. If I close my eyes I can imagine this peaceful place with me holding my baby.

To Win! Sign up as a follower and also to receive my email newsletter. (Both are in my sidebar to your right.) Then leave a comment below. If you are already a follower and get my newsletter, just leave a comment. You can tell us how you relax and find peace in your life or just say hi.

Thanks! Good luck! There will be 4 winners chosen. Check back next Sunday to see if you are one of the lucky few.

Alicia Afterimage- Book Review

When Lee and Low Books contacted me and asked if I’d review a book for them I was glad to do it. Children’s book author Lulu Delacre has written Alicia Afterimage after the death of her daughter, Alicia. Alicia was 16 when she was killed in a car accident. Ms. Delacre interviews Alicia’s friends and wrote this book with their input.

The first thing I did was google Lulu Delacre. And I found out she lives about 15 minutes from my house. And the local library is having an exhibit on this book. Such a small world.

This book is primarily a book for teens about teens grieving the death of their friend. I could see how the process (the interviews and writing of it) would be healing for Alicia’s family, friends, and classmates at school. It is written in 3rd person, which makes the mother seem a little detached, but it also makes for a kind of separation which is probably easier for a grieving teen to read and deal with. A book like this would have been very helpful for my teenage friends and I when we found out a week after graduation our friend Scott Boland had been killed in a car accident. I remember acutely the pain and confusion we felt. And how going to his funeral was the saddest thing I had ever had to do in my 17 years of living.

As I read through the book I noticed that many similar themes with those of us dealing with the death of a smaller child. Seeing or hearing messages from our lost loved ones. Anger- and I was very curious how that would be resolved as to the driver of the car, who was a student at the same school. Not being able to say goodbye. Time too short with our child

And then I came to the final chapter, the perspective of Mama. And was struck once again with the fact that the death of a child is the worst thing a mother can go through. No matter what age the child. And I felt I related to the changes the mother describes.

“She had gone through an event that shattered life as she had known it, and her priorites had shifted…She was no longer afraid of being hurt, for there could not possibly be any pain depper than that of losing a child. Her empathy grew…”

“In time Mama began to recognize the signs of a spiritual connection to Alicia- a ladybug in the most unlikely of places…And more vivid dreams. Mama became acutely aware of all these surprising occurrences that seemed to carry messages. So she began to heed her inner voice: She learned to act on her instincts, following her heart instead of her head.”

I am glad for the chance to review this book. I’m glad I didn’t just discard it as a book for grieving teens. I’m glad to have read it; to again realize that our children are our children and their leaving us too early causes pain that a mother feels no matter how long she has with her child.

Click on the linkto see an interview with this author, Lulu Delacre

I hope today is gentle for you.
peace- emily

My Quest for Peace- 15 Minutes a Day

This isn't particularly about losing a child, but it is about this life I have now. I have been thinking about this word of the year thing and came to a realization.

My 'peace' would be increased significantly if I didn't have so much clutter in my home. Stuff on every flat surface. Stuff living on the stairs landing waiting to be carried up (or down). Unfinished craft project making me feel guilty. Dishes in the sink. Christmas decorations still up.

Why am I holding on to these things? A lot of this stuff I don't even like. Maybe I like the person who gave it to me. Or I like the idea of it and hope to use it, someday.

You may already know Flylady, but I love her idea that 15 minutes can make a difference. And housework done imperfectly is still better than if it wasn't done at all. She also says you can't organize clutter. I believe that to be true.

I need to get in gear and get myself going. Flylady talks about 'babysteps'- so this is my baby stepping stones to a peaceful new year.

Travolta Family Statement

John Travolta's son Jett died on Friday- he was 16. I have been thinking about them since I heard. Today I saw a family statement they made and thought it was beautiful.

Jett was the most wonderful son that two parents could ever ask for and lit up the lives of everyone he encountered. We are heartbroken that our time with him was so brief. We will cherish the time we had with him for the rest of our lives. We have received many messages of condolence from around the world and we want to thank everyone for their prayers and support. It has meant so much to us. It is a beautiful reminder of the inherent goodness in the human spirit that gives us hope for a brighter future.

The part I particularly love is:
We are heartbroken that our time with him was so brief. We will cherish the time we had with him for the rest of our lives.

No matter how long you have with your child, it is not enough. 5 months of pregnancy, 5 days, 5 years, 15 years. It isn't enough.

I wish I was as eloquent less than a week after my son's death, but I'm going to guess having PR person would have helped me. That's what the hospital should do- assign a PR person to everyone to has had a child die.

((hugs)) to the Travolta family.

peace- emily

Word of the Year

I was reading over at Tip Junkie and she has a post asking her readers to sum up what they want in 2009 in a single word. It is hard to pick just one- there are so many words that I wish for 2009, including Hope. Kindness. Love. Strength. Health

And then I realized I already knew my word. I sign all my emails, all my posts the same way.

Peace.

I wish it for the country, I wish it for the world, I wish it for my life and my heart. I wish it for all of you.

((hugs))
I hope today is gentle for you.
peace-
emily

Women Doing More

Quick! Go check out the site Women Doing More to see a post by yours truly ;0)

A big THANK YOU to the women over there for letting me post and share about the SandWritten Project my sister and I do.

I found their site when they were doing their series of 12 Days of Christmas posts, and I was hooked. I find it inspiring that by small acts we can change the world.

I hope today is gentle for you.
peace- emily

The Shrine of the Holy Innocents

I am not Catholic, but wanted to share this opportunity I found. There is a church in New York City that will send you a certificate of life for your baby. This is what their site says:


Often children who have died before birth have no grave or headstone, and sometimes not even a name. At The Church of The Holy Innocents, we invite you to name your child(ren) and to have the opportunity to have your baby's name inscribed in our "BOOK OF LIFE".

Here, a candle is always lit in their memory. All day long people stop to pray. On the first Monday of every month, our 12:15pm Mass is celebrated in honor of these children and for the comfort of their families.

Shrine of the Holy Innocents

One of the things I really needed was to see Gabriel's name in print, on something official. This is a wonderful way to get a certificate for your baby.

I hope today is gentle for you.
peace- emily

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?- Marianne Williamson, from her book Reflections of Love

This quote has jumped out at me twice yesterday from two different sources- from the Healing After Loss book, and from the movie I watched last night Akelah and the Bee (I liked this movie a lot).

I guess this means I need to think about this quote more- I don't have anything brilliant to say about it yet, but I'll get back to you. Or if you want to tell me what it mean to you I'd love to hear it.

peace- emily

Be Good to Yourself

"I do not think that means what you think it means" Inego Montoyo, from the movie Princess Bride

A good friend of mine told me this year her goal is to 'be good to herself'. Every day she is going to work on treating herself well. I had to laugh, because my first thought of what this means is so the opposite of what she was talking about.

My first thought was about indulging myself- eating a bag of mini snickers bars, drinking diet coke, taking a nap and ordering fast food for dinner so I don't have to cook.

That is NOT being good to myself. I mean, it feels good while I'm stuffing my mouth full of cheap chocolate, but it makes me feel so bad later on when I'm all hyped up on sugar and caffiene and I can't button my pants.

I have always felt that drinking water and exercising were more like punishments. I need to change that mindset. How do I do that? I honestly do not know. I'd love any suggestions.

This is the other quote I've been thinking about today:
"You can not do everything at once, but you can do something at once." Calvin Coolidge

I am going to start small. Do something. One thing. Today. To be good to myself.

I think it is another part of creating our children's legacy- being a person they can be proud of.

Now, if you are newer in the journey or even later in the journey but having a bad day cut yourself some slack! Do what you need to do. For me, I spent the first month in bed watching M*A*S*H reruns. I still have days spent in bed, but they are further and farther between.

I hope today is gentle for you. peace- emily

It takes as long as it takes

...you will not be cured, but... one day- an idea that will horrify you now- this intolerable misfortune will become a blessed memory of a being who will never again leave you. But you are in a stage of unhappiness where it is impossible for you to have faith in these reassurances. -Marcel Proust

There is no way out, only a way forward. -Michael Hollings

I have been reading the book "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" but instead of just reading one a day instead I've been flipping through the book, reading parts here and there. This one jumped out at me (in my own words):

It takes as long as it takes. Grieving can not be shortened, or cheated. People sometimes tell us it is time to 'get over it' and we ourselves may think that the faster we get through the sooner we will be back to feeling better. But consider this- in many things we do and experience, faster is not necessarily better (food, or sex for example) and it is better to 'do it right' the first time. (Whatever 'right' means for you.)

I hope today is gentle for you. peace- emily

Creating Our Children's Legacy

When I first heard the phrase 'continued parenting' from Kara over at KotaPress, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. It just made sense to me. The idea is that our relationship as our children's mom or dad does not end when they die- it is just beginning. The things we do for our children, and in their memory are how we 'parent' them. We create their legacy, for they are not here to do it themselves.

This is the idea behind the Kindness Projects over at MISSfoundation. We can watch for small ways to do good in the world, as a way to honor our children's memory. MISS sells small cards to be left behind explaining that this anonymous act of kindness has been done in memory of a child and that "their brief life and death continues to matter."

Creating a scrapbook for Gabriel was very difficult for me. For one thing, going to the scrapbook store was painful- so many 'baby's first steps', and 'baby's first smile' stickers and paper that I would never use. I thought it would be easier once my husband designed the Heartspoken Vellum Quotes pages and I had some quotes and images specific for scrapbooking a stillborn baby. And it was easier, a bit. But still I put it off.

I didn't want to start because in the back of my mind I never wanted to be 'finished'. It was easier to begin once I realized that I never need be 'finished'- I can always continue to add to his story, or rather my story as his mom. I can add pages for the Walks to Remember I attend. For the March of Dimes walks. For the friends I have met that I would never know otherwise. For the good I am able to do because although he was only with me for a brief moment, he changed me forever.

With or without offical 'kindness cards', large events or small acts done in memory of our child are ways to honor them. This year I hope to find ways to continue Gabriel's legacy- this blog is just another small way to do this.

I'd love to hear ways you are creating your children's legacy- please leave a comment or send me an email to share.

If you are newer in your journey and your loss is more recent you may not have any energy or enthusiasm for this. That is ok. Someday you will. Do what you can do at this minute. Take care of yourself.

I hope today is gentle for you. peace- emily

A Legacy for our Children

Nikki (Aaron's mommy) sent me this email:

It has been 2 and a half years since Aaron's death. Looking back there were so many things that were helpful. There are one things I can pinpoint that probably helped the most though. It came in the form of a book. After Aaron died I was kind of obsessed with finding books to read about the subject of babies dying and what to do afterwards. I read a lot of them. Many of them were geared towards the mother and my husband was desperate to find something he could relate to. One day he was on the internet (espn.com of all places) and found a link to a book one of their columnists had written. He found one called, "Noah's Rainbow: A Father's Emotional Journey from the Death of his Son to the Birth of his Daughter", by David Flemming. He told me about it and I went straight to the book store and got it for him. He read it in a couple days. We talked about Aaron constantly but men and women express their feelings so differently. I was always asking how he was doing etc. and I couldn't always understand the differences. My husband asked me to read that book and I finally understood exactly where he was. It put us closer to the same page and opened up whole new lines of conversation. They one thing the author stresses is that since our babies are not here to have a legacy, we are their legacy.

The book changed our view on how to handle things. We decided after reading the book we were going to give Aaron the best legacy we possibly could. We got actively involved with March for Babies (previously WalkAmerica) sponsored by the March of Dimes. We have a family team. This will be our 3rd year (in 2009), but in our first two years we have raised well over $10,000. The walk is always the last Sunday in April and Aaron's birthday is April 28th so it is always right around his birthday. We have a picnic the day before the walk for our team that serves as the perfect way to thank them and help us all remember/celebrate Aaron. We also have a toy drive every Christmas in his memory. We just completed our 3rd one and they have grown every year. We have both become BETTER people through it all.

Thanks for sending this in, Nikki! I love the idea that we are creating our children's legacy. It reminds me of the kindness projects and then also the idea of 'continued parenting' from Kotapress- our relationship of being our kids parents isn't over when they die- it is just starting as we create a legacy for them. I will be posting more about this later on today but think this is a perfect way to start the New Year- thinking about how to create our children's legacy.

Wishing you all a gentle New Year- peace, emily