I received this email from Amber and related so much to what she says:
Something that has been difficult for me is that I had 2 other sisters who were pregnant while I was. One who was due in October and one who was due in January (almost exactly a month before me). When I lost Gunnar, it was so hard for me to even be around my sisters. Even though I was so happy for them, it was so hard. One sister had had several miscarriages and the other had been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years. They had both had their own struggles so they each deserved their happiness. When my first sister had her babies (twins!) in October, I couldn't even go around those babies for a long time. Of course I called her and made some meals for her, but it was so hard to be around them. I finally went to see them and in doing so, it helped heal my hurt a little. When I held each one of those beautiful miracles, I cried but it felt good to in a way "fill my void".
When I was pregnant with Gabriel my sister and sister-in-law were pregnant at the same time. Actually, with my 3 siblings and my husband's 4 sisters there has been one or the other of us pregnant at any given time for the past 12 years. There may have been others pregnant at that same time. I've mostly blocked it out.
That is kind of how my brain deals with people being pregnant, even now. Isn't that terrible? It is like I am pretending they aren't pregnant until they 'SHOW ME THE BABY' (do you hear me doing a Cuba Gooding accent from Jerry Maguire?) Sorry. I shouldn't make light of it. I don't mean to. But I no longer equate 'pregnant' with the end result of 'going to have a baby'. It's terrible. I know. So cynical. It makes my husband crazy.
I remember specifically my sister being pregnant because we had a conversation at that time about it. She felt so bad- terrible. Guilty, almost. That she was pregnant and I wasn't. It was easy for me to be magnanimous about it because she lives in Hawaii and I didn't have to see her big pregnant belly every day. I didn't begrudge her HER baby. I just wanted mine. If you know what I mean.
My other sister in law lives here, close by. And it WAS hard to be around her. And especially when her little baby came home. But she and my brother asked permission to give their baby 'Gabriel' for a middle name. How kind to honor him in that way. I know some people do not like others using their baby's names because a name is the only unique thing we are left with. But this was kindly done and I appreciate it.
I thought it interesting that Amber expressed it was healing to hold babies. I have heard others say that, too. For me, I can not hold other people's babies. Still, today, it is hard for me. I rarely do. I will ooh and aah over them but do not hold them.
Thanks so much to Amber for sharing this email with us.