Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Stumbling Blocks- What were yours?

I'm about 6 weeks out from Gabriel's day- I can't believe we are going on 7 years. Unreal.

I was thinking back to the early days. The shock. The numbness. The two-steps-forward, one-(or two or three)steps-back.

How do you help someone through those early days? What were some of the little landmines? Is there any way to 'prepare' someone for these? To make life just a little easier?

Some things that I remember being very difficult (some unexpectedly so) for me were:

Going out in public and fearing I'd run into someone I'd have to tell

Getting the mail (and the formula samples and the 'Congratulations!' mailers)

Getting a phone call from my dentist telling me I didn't 'take my dental hygiene seriously' because I asked to reschedule our appointment the day I got home from the hospital.

Seeing pregnant women (and infants) everywhere- Target, the grocery store

Being asked "How many kids do you have?" and not having an answer prepared

Telling my then 4 and 5 year old kids that we were not going to have a new baby. And the very honest reaction of my 5 year old daughter as she started to scream "But he just didn't have a chance to live!"

The middle of the night

The 6 week follow up doctor's visit

What were some things that were most difficult for you?


Ter said...

I don't even want to think about it right now... I just accidently came across the blog post a couple weeks before we found out my husband's cancer returned with a video of him walking our dog, and as you may be aware, he was paralyzed from the waist down the last 2 months of his life. :(

I miss my daughter and my husband so bad. :(

Emalee said...

the nights are still hard, seein pregnant women. See in babies and getting that ache. Thinking I should have a two weeks old right now. All so difficult still!

Stephanie said...

Running into women whom I had taken Prenatal Yoga or Bradley classes with, and seeing them with their children at the exact age my Madeline should be, still takes my breath away.

Bluebird said...

You're daughter's comment just pierced my heart. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to tell your children. And of course, she summed it up perfectly. Ah, the wisdom of babes.

angie said...

yes to what steph said, that is a killer.

the oblivious new parent or pregnant lady i am friends with. i don't want to scare them.

having people ask me if we are going to have a sibling for my daughter. (i just did three months ago. she died.)

seeing any two kids that are the same age difference than my daughters would be.

seeing the dust settle and making out the friends who are still there, and the ones that disappointed me so very much.

i am still so raw, so maybe i am not the best person to answer this, but...this is my truth right now.

Mary said...

I agree with all of the firsts.

I've had the first of several baby shower invites.

The first time you accidentally call another baby your baby's name.

Yesterday I accidentally I called myself Momma instead of Auntie. I told my nephew "Sorry Momma doesn't know how to do this" as I sat him in his high chair.

I'm sure I will have many more.

Lechelle said...

- My parents and my husband’s whole family, who believe that because we lost our babies in pregnancy before stillborn age that the babies weren’t ‘real’. They don’t understand how I can’t get over it, they just see two lost ‘pregnancies’ and a crazy girl with two invisible children. This one is the worst. My siblings try to understand, that helps a little.

- A little while ago a friend lost her son, and another friend (who knows that I lost my two babies) when he heard about her loss turned to me and said “Can you imagine? Can you even imagine?” over and over. I just stared at him until I got enough strength in my legs to walk away, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. My babies have been forgotten so soon.

- Every facbook status update of a pregnant woman complaining that they don’t want to be pregnant anymore and just want the baby out of them. Especially my sister-in-law, who is due in a couple weeks, the same time my daughter was supposed to arrive safely.

- When someone comments about our future ‘first’ baby. I never say first, I always say ‘next’. I still don't know how to answer the "how many kids do you have?" question. What do I say?

- My horrid OB who made me wait two hours in the preggo-filled waiting room to see him after the death-ultrasound. And when I couldn’t stand it anymore and waited in the hall, his nurse came out to get me and said “you’re gonna have to get used to it sometime” in an annoyed voice. And every piece of BS that OB tried to feed me that day about some dead babies being “better off” and some survival of the fittest crap.

- Every insensitive comment about God being responsible or my babies not having worth.

- Waking up from the nightmares at night and realizing it really happened. The nightmare and real life are the same.

- My birthday. It came without both of either of them being there with me. I'm not supposed to get older if they can't.

corilee said...

I lost my preganancy three weeks ago today. I'm still stumbling. Every where I go are new babies and pregnant women, even within my extended family. A friend of mine signed me up for all these email freebies and updates on the development of my baby and I don't know how to unsubscribe to them. I face those everyday. I hate the comments of ignorant people who say "don't worry you'll have more" or "so and so had many more and they're fine, why are you so upset" when it took us seven years to get pregnant with this one. I think my biggest stumbling block is accepting that it happened. During the day while I'm busy, I'm okay, but I lose it at night when I go home.

A friend of mine brought me a book called "Gone Too Soon" and that helped a little.

Not Your Ordinary Spud said...

It has been 4 months since my miscarriage. . I am still having a hard time. . .

Sitting in the Woman's Clinic for check-ups surrounded by Soon to be Moms

Going to the store and catching a glimps of the baby isles

Nights that I can't sleep

Friend and family members who are having babies

People who don't understand why I am still sad

Now when I get my period, my breast soreness feels like they did when I was pregnant. .

Every month when we are trying to conceive. . and it's negative :(

Any facebook status commenting on pregnancy

I know that God has a purpose for everything...but sometimes I wonder why we took my baby home before I could see him. .

Emily said...

Thank you all so much for sharing your stumbling blocks. It helps to know I'm not the only one who struggles with these things.

Kritta22 said...

*Having my sister tell me she was pregnant.

*Having her tell me that she went to a Women's clinic in Seattle where they do it all (ultrasounds, abortions,...)

*Having her tell me that IF it was healthy she would have thought about keeping it

*have her tell me that she was kinda excited about having a baby with this one guy.

*Not having a period for two and a half months only to have dark brown discharge, start last week. We know what that means...again!!

*Knowing that my sister aborted a baby that I could have raised.

*Or maybe even harder is that we would have been prego together.

*People asking when the next one is coming. "Connor needs a brother." Well I'm working on it!!! Everytime someone asks it just reminds me of every miscarriage I've had.

To name a few.

Anonymous said...

The thing I hate is getting the bill from the doctor in the mail weeks later.....talk about a slap in the face.