Pain- has an Element of Blank-
It cannot recollect
When it began- or if there were
A time when it was not-
-Emily Dickinson
I know I found this true for me. I was grieving so hard and in so much pain that it was hard to remember that there was ever a time when I had been happy. Or to ever imagine that there might be a time when I might possibly be happy again.
And that makes it even more obnoxious and offensive when people around you go back to everyday things. Or worse, trivial, trite things.
I often read a message board on a site that is for scrapbooking, but they talk about all kind of things. And I remember there was a post "What color are your toenails painted". With like 6 pages of replies. Really? There exists a world out there where people talk about this stupid kind of thing?
And another post where the woman was upset- FURIOUS really, because her inlaws had said that for this year instead of Christmas gifts they were going to take everyone on a cruise. I remember this post was early in the year- April, May, something like that. And she was already working herself up for a family fight because instead of Christmas gifts she was going to get a free cruise. Because "she was going to be pregnant by then and wouldn't be able to drink or look cute in her bathing suit".
It took every bit of my control to not smack this lady in the head. I know so many women who wish and pray and suffer through all sorts of medical prods, pokes, pinches and examinations in the hope they will be pregnant. It isn't the kind of thing you can really SCHEDULE. And really? To get upset because you are being given a free cruise? This lady needs a dose of reality. Of perspective.
Perspective is one gift Gabriel gave to me, I think. I use to get so upset and frustrated by small stuff. And now, when I can, I really try to take a step back and think "If this is the worst thing that happens to me today it is really a pretty good day" I'm not always successful with this, but I really try.
I'm so sorry that some of us here are still in the place where it is impossible to think things will ever be 'good' again. They will. You will smile again. It definitely takes time. Hang in there.
((hugs))
peace-
emily
Sunday, May 24, 2009
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5 comments:
Thank you, Emily. Yes, we will smile again. Little by little... I believe that. I believe our Angel babies want that for us.
:)
we have some lighter days, thankfully. So I agree - as long as 'smiling again' doesn't mean 'feeling okay that your child died.' That, well, I don't think that happens.
And when I do have a nice afternoon with a friend, and she says, "oh you have to see this hilarious video online, I'll send it to you..." it's really nice, and things are light.
But then the link comes and it's a video of a baby with a cat. I think, what the hell. It's a process of being pushed under every time you get a grasp at air.
I definitely see things through a new pair of eyes. Things I used to complain about just aren't worth complaining anymore. I smile because my daughter has blessed me immensely and I know she always will.
You're right, about perspective. I can tell a change already. And mostly, I think, that's a good thing.
Perspective is key.
I was at the dentist a few weeks ago and he said one of my teeth has a short root. "It could fall out". My reply "Oh, is that all? That's not bad - I'll just get a fake one." He looked at me like I was nuts. "Hey worse things have happened", I said. In my head, I was thinking "It's a lot easier to replace a baby." The loss of something so cherished makes the possibility of loosing a tooth seem extremely insignificant.
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