Wednesday, September 1, 2010

"My hands are full"

We recently took a roadtrip down to Florida and did all the things you do in Florida-get sunburned, eat oranges, go to the beach, Disney, and snorkeling. It was a good trip. I was thinking about Gabriel a ton because it was nearly identical to the trip we had planned (and ended up taking) 2 weeks after Gabriel was stillborn. I felt a little like he was looking over my shoulder.

Now, let me tell you for a second about my kids. I have 2 older ones who are now in their teens. They were 3-4 when Gabriel died. And we waited years after his death before I could bear to think about trying again. And so there is a 8 year gap before my younger 2. I think it is fitting that hole is in my family. Because there IS a hole in my family.

People often comment on my kids. Either the "Oh, 2 boys and 2 girls- perfect!" which of course isn't perfect, there is supposed to be 3 boys. OR they ask about the 8 year gap. I usually just smile and thank them.

But I had a conversation with a lady that started kind of differently. I think that is why it caught me off guard, kind of.

Lady: "So, are these all your kids or are you babysitting or something?"
Me: "They are all mine"
Lady: "Wow!"
Me: "Yep" (they were running like lunatics through the parking lot at the Wild Bird Rescue Center)
Lady: "You sure have your hands full"
Me: "Well, that is better than having my hands empty"


Just kidding. That's what I wished I had said. What I actually said was,
Me: "Yep, in the best way possible"

Not a day goes by I still don't miss my little boy.
I hope today is gentle for you
peace-
emily

6 comments:

Pink Panda said...

glad your vacation went well. I'm sure Gabriel was looking at you from above, watching you and knowing that you were thinking about him too.

Holly said...

Never a moment where they aren't far from our thoughts. People may see a happy and complete family but we will always know that a little piece is missing.

Heather said...

Funny, well not really, I often say there's a hole in our family, too. Two holes, actually.
Even when we are not home in our surroundings, our babies are never far from our thoughts. (())

Jessica said...

Glad vacation was good I'm sure Gabriel was there with you in spirit! I can't wait till my hands are full :) Oh and I thought your response to the women was great though what you wanted to say was great too ;)

corilee said...

I recently had that comment made to me also. Before I became pregnant with my second child that we lost, we had been pursuing foster care with the intention of adopting. When I found out I was pregnant, we stopped pursuing it. The Saturday before I miscarried I received a call out of the blue about two little girls ages 2 and 4 that our agency thought would be a perfect fit. It turns out that they were and we now have an adoption date finally for this November. While my three stooges were running through the store somebody made that comment to me. Not that I don't miss my little one that was lost, but I'm grateful to have my hands full through other means. God had meant for them to be with us. As much as it hurts, if we hadn't suffered that loss, there might have been two more children lost in the system. At least I know that my child is with God and is not "lost" completely. Sometimes, I feel like there is another one looking over my shoulder knowing that now they have three siblings instead of just one.

Amanda said...

I'm just getting to this post, sorry...things have been crazy. You know, I have my hands full :)

When I get that statement, I usually sigh and have a mild complaint...I guess I've not looked at it from your perspective. Thanks for sharing your positive outlook and allowing me to see what a blessing it is to have my hands full.


And sorry I missed your birthday. I never go out to dinner with friends, heck I never go out LOL The kids had a great time seeing Max :) We have such a full school schedule this year that we'll have to schedule in some weekend playtime for the kids or a Friday night sleepover.