Remembering the Love- February 09 Newsletter

Oh you got to you got to remember the love,
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love, spread love
Measure, measure your life in love.

~Rent, Seasons of Love~




I had read this post by Zil on her blog The Three Little Birds some time ago and I keep coming back to it.

I love this idea- to measure a life in love.

If I look back to when Gabriel died, I can see so much love expressed to me and my family. The nurses at the hospital who compassionately stayed with us (or stayed away) depending on what we needed. The memory box given to me at the hospital dontated by an unknown mom who had also lost her baby. Women from church who stopped by with meals. The coworkers at my husband's work who covered for him as he was out for a week.

But this is measuring my life by the love.

What if I measure Gabriel's life by the love?

In his so short life he was only loved- by his mom and dad, his grandmas and grandpas, his siblings, his aunts and uncles and cousins.

So I'm trying to do this- remember the love. Instead of focusing on the pain I felt, the fear, the sadness, the hurt and confusion, I am going to try to remember the love.

I'd like to invite you to pop by and see what we have going on at my Stepping Stones blog. Be sure to enter this week's giveaway- you may even win a little something.

I also wanted to show you LaBelleDame jewelry. These are beautiful pieces with items specifically for miscarriage , stillbirth and infant loss. I will be donating from the proceeds of any sales made when you click through my link.

I hope today is gentle for you.
peace-
Emily

Be Good To Yourself- March 09 Newsletter

"I do not think that means what you think it means"
Inego Montoyo, from the movie Princess Bride


A good friend of mine told me this year her goal is to 'be good to herself'. Every day she is going to work on treating herself well. I had to laugh, because my first thought of what this means is so the opposite of what she was talking about.

My first thought was about indulging myself- eating a bag of mini snickers bars, drinking diet coke, taking a nap and ordering fast food for dinner so I don't have to cook.

That is NOT being good to myself. I mean, it feels good while I'm stuffing my mouth full of cheap chocolate, but it makes me feel so bad later on when I'm all hyped up on sugar and caffiene and I can't button my pants.

I have always felt that drinking water and exercising were more like punishments. I need to change that mindset. How do I do that? I honestly do not know. I'd love any suggestions.

This is the other quote I've been thinking about:


"You can not do everything at once, but you can do something at once."
Calvin Coolidge


I am going to start small. Do something. One thing. Today. To be good to myself.

I think it is another part of creating our children's legacy- being a person they can be proud of.

I'd like to invite you to pop by and see what we have going on at my Stepping Stones blog. If you'd like. We'd love to have you.

I wanted to show you these bracelets Rose at SHARE is making. Aren't they gorgeous? They are even prettier and more sparkly in real life. All profits go to benefit SHARE and their work supporting bereaved parents.

I also want to tell you about the March Compassion Challenge. The idea behind this is that March 11 marked the tenth birthday anniversary of Kara and Hawk's son, Dakota Jones. They have challenged readers of their Kota Loss & Compassion Blog (and I challenge my blog readers) to do 10 random acts of kindness. I'm doing this in memory of Dakota, in memory of Gabriel, and in memory of all of our babies. If 10 is an overwhelming number, do just 1. One act of kindness in memory of our babies.

Now, if you are newer in the journey or even later in the journey but having a bad day cut yourself some slack! Do what you need to do. For me, I spent the first month in bed watching M*A*S*H reruns. I still have days spent in bed, but they are further and farther between.

I hope today is gentle for you.
peace-
Emily

We Are Not Alone- April 09 Newsletter

When it seems that our sorrow is too great to be borne, let us think of the great family of the heavy-hearted into which our grief has given us entrance, and inevitably, we will feel about us their arms, their sympathy, their understanding.
- Helen Keller


My sister lives on the windward shore of Hawaii. She and her friend Crash took their children 'fishing'. They get a few nets, a big bucket of water and have a grand old time.

My nephew was walking along, struggling to carry this big bucket of water. And Crash offered to help him. After carrying it a bit she looked inside to see how many fish there were. None. Not a one. So she suggested maybe they could dump out the water and fill it up when they got closer to the fishing spot.

So many people are carrying burdens unnecessarily. Maybe we can help carry their bucket. Or encourage them to dump some of it.

We now belong to this club none of us wanted to join. I'm comforted to know there are people out there who understand. Who share my sorrow. Who can help carry my bucket, or to give me perspective on how to dump some of it. It makes all the difference in the world.

When Gabriel was born, before I was discharged from the hospital, I was given a business card for a grief counselor. I remember turning to my husband and saying "What good does talking about it do?" Now I know. Talking about it is all I can do. Every time I share Gabriel's story, I strengthen my identity as 'Gabriel's mom'.

I spend a lot of time reading other people's stories. On message boards and in books. And I appreciate everyone who reaches out to me. It helps so much to know I'm not alone in all of this. To know that no matter what I'm thinking or feeling it is normal. I'm not crazy. Or if I am, we all are.

I am now on the slippery slope of less than a month to Gabriel's Day. May 10th. Which happens to fall on Mother's Day this year. A double whammy. I hope this next month is gentle for all of us mommies missing our children.

peace-
emily

Mother's Day- May 09 Newsletter

I am sending this email early.. I think the week before Mother's Day can be so difficult- especially as it has chosen to rain all day and is expected to rain all this week. Anyway, I had planned to send this on Friday but decided some of you may need it early. ((hugs))- emily

I am thinking of all you moms this weekend. All you moms missing your darling babies, and especially those of you without living children. I'm so sorry they are not with you. I hope you get the recognition you deserve. I hope you get flowers, breakfast in bed and some special time to yourself. You are a mom. You love your child as much as any mom and deserve to be recognized.

You might be interested to know that Mother's Day is not just a holiday invented by the card companies to sell more cards. It started as so much more. In 1870, Julia Ward Howe (author of the poem The Battle Hymn of the Republic) was distressed by the devastating effects of the Civil War, and called for a formal recognition of a Mother's Day for Peace. This crusade was taken up by Anna Jarvis, whos mother had been working to improve sanitation through what she called Mother's Work Days. Later, the first Mother's Day was celebrated in 1907 as a 'memorial day for women' in West Virginia. The custom eventually spread to 45 states, and the first national Mother's Day was finally declared in 1914 by President Woodrow Wilson.

It is fitting that on this day that began with mother's mourning their sons we remember ALL mothers- those that have their children with them and those that are missing their children. Happy Mother's Day to all of us.

I wanted to let you know we have restarted our project of taking photos of names written in the sand. Our site has been renamed 'Aloha Remembered'. I love the fact that 'Aloha' is a word with many meanings, including 'hello, goodbye, peace, and love'. All these things I felt and said to my child all at once. We'd love to write your child's name and take a photo for you. We have decided to start charging for this so we can use it as a fundraiser and donate from the proceeds. You can find out more info here.

If you haven't stopped by my Stepping Stones Blog, why not take a peek? I'm not at my absolutely best this week but hope I'll be energized and focused once this week is over and I'm past Gabriel's anniversary. Until that time, you know where to find me. Holed up in my room watching M*A*S*H reruns and eating my way through a bag of mini snickers bars.

peace-
emily

Father's Day and Summertime- June 09 Newsletter

We can complain because rose bushes have thorns,
or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.
-Abraham Lincoln


Hello, All!

I want to wish a gentle Father's Day to all the dads out there. You know who you are. Most of my readers are women, I suspect. But sometimes the men show up.

Grieving dads have a hard time- they are supposed to be 'strong' and often feel their role is to 'fix stuff'. Yet how do you 'fix it' when a baby dies? Impossible. So they put on their game face and hang tough. And then their wives accuse them of not grieving, or not caring.

It's a tough spot to be in.

Men grieve differently than women. I'm not a man so can't claim to be an expert on this. But I know I grieve differently than my husband. I spend hours online reading message boards and blogs. I make scrapbooks. I wear jewelry in memory of my baby. I cry.

He does none of these things. At least not when I can see them.

But he goes along with my projects. We've done March of Dimes. He designed my logo for my site. He lets me shut down when I need to, he gets the balloons for our balloon releases. He does what he needs to and lets me do what I need to.

So big ((hugs)) to all you dads out there. I hope this weekend is an ok one for you. Go do something manly with a hammer or some sort of power tools. Go golfing. Play some sort of zombie shooting video game. Whatever you want.

If any of you moms want to get a white rubber band bracelet for your husband, there is still time. You'll want to order it by Wednesday to make sure you get it in time. Click this link to order. I'll pop it in the mail asap.

I want to invite you again to visit my Stepping Stones blog. We've been talking about summer movies and how even in the movies babyloss shows up unexpectedly. Has anyone seen UP?

And then I want to tell you about my new project- SendOutCards. When was the last time you sent a greeting card? When was the last time you GOT one? Most of my mail nowadays are bills or credit card come-ons. I remember I used to get cards from my grandma, just for no reason. I've been sending a lot of cards and having a blast. It makes me feel good, and I hope it makes the people I send them to feel good. Click the link and you can get a free account to send a few cards. You can also use it as a fundraiser for your group.

I hope you have a great month, full of summer fun and sunshine.
peace-
emily

Father

Continued Parenting- July 09 Newsletter

They are not gone...Who live in the hearts of others.
--Native American Proverb


Happy July to you all!

I first heard the idea of "continued parenting" on my friend Kara's kotapress site. Your parenthood did not end when your child died- rather, it began when he or she was born. You can read her whole article here.

It makes so much sense to me. Granted, we are a 'different kind of parent'. We 'celebrate' angelversaries with balloon releases, we participate in March of Dimes. We have angel gardens and we know why October 15th is special. We do kindness projects and wear memorial jewelry. We are creating our children's legacy since they are not here to do it for themselves.

Kara is also the one who told me about research being done at Tufts University by Dr. Diana Bianchi. With each pregnancy, a woman is given fully functioning white blood cells from her child. Regardless of the outcome of the pregnancy, live or still, full term or miscarried, the mother is left with cells filled with the DNA of the child in her body. Cell that are fully working. Cells that show up first on site of infection or injury. Cells that work in brain even.

Our babies were with us such a short time but changed us forever- emotionally AND physically.

Kara is a grief coach, a talented artist, and a darn nice person. I hope you'll check out her blogs. She is currently accepting registrations for Grief: Finding Our Way group session workshops. They are offered online so you can participate from wherever you are located.

Kota Loss & Compassion Blog
Mother Henna

If you'd like me to write your baby's name in the sand please visit Aloha Remembered. We are currently doing this as a fundraiser to send a percent of the profits to SHARE.

((hugs))
peace-
emily

Parable of the Cracked Pot- August 09 Newsletter

The Parable of the Cracked Pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots,
one hung on each end of a pole which he carried
across his neck. One of the pots had a crack
in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always
delivered a full portion of water at the end
of the long walk from the stream to the
master's house. The cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it
spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

Why?" asked the bearer.

"What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house.

Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some.

But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side?

That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them.

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers
to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."


It is funny. I didn't see that ending coming. I was relating to the water carrier- toiling along day after day and only getting half of what he should.

But we are the pot- imperfect, cracked, leaky. We try our best but end with less than we think we should have.

Look around. You may be influencing those around you in spite of your defect. Or quite possibly because of it.

None of us quite know the impact we have on the world.

peace-
emily

I know a lot of you are in the midst of planning awareness events and walks for the fall. Let me know if I can help you! The white "Remembering Our Babies" bracelets are perfect mementos for your event, or can be used as a fundraiser. I also have pins, clings, tshirts, hats and other items at my cafepress site. If there is something you are thinking of but do not see send me an email request.

A kind gesture

I opened my email today and found this beautiful photo from Holly (caring4carleigh)



How beautiful! I love it. Such a simple thing that means so much- seeing Gabriel's name and knowing that I'm not the only one who remembers him.

Thank you, thank you
((hugs))

From a grieving mom

I received a very touching email from Holly. She said I could share it with you in the hopes that it may help someone else possibly feeling the same way to know they aren't alone. I appreciate so much her willingness to reach out. ((hugs)) to Holly. We are remembering your baby with you.
peace-
emily

Emily,

I stumbled upon your blog several months ago after I miscarried, and I thank you for putting your thoughts and feelings out there for so many of us looking for something to help us cope. Though every day is still a struggle for me, I find a small amount of comfort knowing I'm not the only one to experience this deep loss and struggle with its aftermath.

The hardest thing for me at this point is that it has been three months since I miscarried, and hardly anyone knows, making me feel as though I have no where to turn for help or comfort. We didn't want to spread the news until we heard a heartbeat. That day never came. My husband's parents and a select few of my girlfriends knew of our pregnancy, and when it ended no one would talk about it. No one called, no one emailed, no one came to our house to check on us. It was as if it never happened. In the weeks that followed a few calls came in. "I just wanted to give you your space, your privacy..." That was the last thing I wanted. I wanted, and still want, someone to tell me they are sorry, that they understand, that they would love to just come over and talk. Anything. I wish the whole dang world knew so I could at least feel like I can show how I feel on the inside, instead of trying to put on a happy face every day. I hate it. I feel like I act my way through every day, holding in my feelings and watching everyone else's lives progress while I feel like I'm at a standstill. Even my husband has moved on and doesn't understand why I still feel so horrible about our loss.

Not only that, but my best friend and I were due at the same time. She is still pregnant and has found out the gender of her baby. She's completely quit talking to me, and right now, as horrible as it feels and sounds, I'm glad. I hate it that she gets what we both wanted, and here I am in agony every day while she paints her nursery and picks out names.

I have finally arranged some counseling that I will begin in November. I have my reservations about talking to a stranger about this, as having a friend or loved one to speak to would be more comfortable. I just don't know any other avenues to take to help myself when no one knows I need the help.

If you can use this for your writing on your blog, please do. There may be a woman out there who is in the exact same situation and doesn't know where to go or what to do next.

Again, thank you for sharing your story.
Sincerely,
Holly

Asking for Help

This is what I've been thinking on lately. How are you at asking and accepting help? I pretty much stink at it. I just feel that I should be able to do it on my own. People offer "Let me know if there is anything you need" or even "What can I do to help" and I usually tell them I am fine.

I remember that when Gabriel died we were in the hospital for 3 days waiting for him to be born. And (this is really stupid) but I remember worrying because I knew that my lawn needed cut. It was really long to start with and my HOA gets really annoyingly picky about stuff like that. But I think this is a pretty good example, really. I'm sure one of my neighbors would have done it for us in a heartbeat. It is a concrete something that they could have done, if only I had asked.

Now we are going through this situation with our house. It has been 6 weeks and insurance will no longer pay for a hotel since they feel work should be done. But it isn't. Our house is not ready for us to move into. So we are at my mom's house. This is not ideal.

People are asking "What can we do to help?" and it is just so hard. The real answer is come help me clean up after all the construction. Bring me a meal or two. Watch my kids so I can work uninterrupted.

Instead I say "Oh, we're fine! Thanks!"

Why do I do this? Do you do it, too? Why is it so hard to accept help?

edited to add: I'm sorry if this is kind of a pity party. I don't really mean it that way. I do feel fortunate and know that things could be a lot worse. I'm glad it is just STUFF and not health issues or anything like that.

peace-
emily

Grieving the Loss of a Grandchild

Yesterday my article "Grieving the Loss of a Grandchild" was featured on the site GrandparentsTLC This is a great site that shows grandparents how to use technology to connect with their grandchildren.

I appreciate the chance to talk about how a grandparent can help their child when a grandchild dies. Not so long ago the attitude was that a mom should not see her baby, but instead should forget and have another child as soon as possible to get over the loss. It was a different time, a different generation. And grandparents are in a unique position that they are grieving the loss of their grandchild and also are seeing their child hurting. It's tough.

Click on GrandparentsTLC:Grieving the Loss of a Grandchild and check it out. Thanks to Grandpa Shayne for posting my article.

peace-
emily

Our children

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and tonight at 7pm there will be a 'Wave of Light' as families light candles for their babies and place them outside for an hour. It helps so much to know that I am not the only one remembering Gabriel on this day.

I invite you to post below with your baby's name and if you'd like, a message, poem or quote for them.

I know there are many readers who do not or can not post here. If you want me to add your baby's name for you please send me an email at nickwilberg @ hotmail.com

Gabriel Wilberg
May 10, 2002
"a person's a person, no matter how small"
We love you, Gabriel. I know that someday our family will be together again.

October 2009 Newsletter

I am going to archive my newsletters here on my blog so those who are not signed up to receive them can see what they are all about. (If you'd like to subscribe you can do that on my blog sidebar. I send one email a month and you can unsubscribe at any time)

Intention and awareness are the primary ingredients of existence.
Eidyn Taliesin

"One moment of instantaneous awareness brings more
clarity than a lifetime of contrived meditation. That one
moment of instantaneous awareness introduces us to that
about ourselves that will never change. In this sense,
every moment would be the ultimate meditation, no
matter what the moment may contain."
Candice O'Denver

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
Garrison Keiller


October has been designated as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month", with October 15 as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day". And yet, how many people go about with no awareness of this topic at all?

I know that until it happened to me I had no idea that babies sometimes died. With modern medicine and all the prenatal testing available how on earth can something like this occur? Sure, it happened back in the pioneer days and maybe still in third world countries. But here in the US? In 2009? How can it be that nobody talks about this?

And I ask you. How many newspaper articles have you seen this month? How many news features? Magazine articles? Billboards? Emails? Facebook updates? Ah. Well, there you go. Little by little, one by one, we add our voice to those that talk about it.

Those who have never had to deal with this sad topic prefer to go about naively. And I don't blame them. I wish I could. It is a sad subject. But once it happens to you, once you have lost a child, you know there is something sadder still. That your baby will be forgotten. Ignored. That people will pretend that they never existed. And that, for me, is what awareness is about.

Spreading awareness to me is sharing my child. Saying his name. Educating folks that instead of being silent, all they need to say is "I'm so sorry". Awareness month to me is knowing that I am not alone in remembering my boy. Through memory walks, balloon releases, kindness projects and lighting candles others remember him with me.

I invite you to particiate in a 'Wave of Light'. At 7pm your local time light a candle and place it outside for an hour. And know that you are not alone in remembering your child.

I also invite you to stop by my blog and add your baby's name to our list of children we are missing. Together we can help each other not to feel so alone.

((HUGS))
I hope today is gentle for you.
peace-
emily
gabriel's mom

Wave of Light

Just a reminder that tomorrow, October 15, is designated as 'Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day'. I know WE do not need a special day to remember our babies but it is nice that it is there.

Tomorrow night there is a 'Wave of Light' to be held at 7pm- you are encouraged to light a candle and place it outside for at least an hour. In that way there will be a wave of light throughout the timezones as these candles help remember our children.

Also, tomorrow morning I will have a post here so we all can add our babies names. However did this blog get 90 followers? And yet I know that is the tip of the iceberg for grieving moms. ((HUGS)) to us all.

I hope today is gentle for you-
peace-
emily

PS: Flood update: They tell me I will be back in my home mid next week. Fingers crossed! I promise to be a better blogger when I've got better internet.