One of the biggest changes in myself I've noticed is how I pray. I don't feel like I'm able to ask for specific things any more. Like, instead of "Please help me get a job" I find myself praying "Please help me to be ok with whatever comes".
I'm not sure I've shared this experience here, but I'd like to do so now. The week before my doctor's appointment had been crazy busy. My inlaws were expected and I was worrying about a bunch of stuff that was very important to me at the time (like, do I have a bath mat that matches my shower curtain?)
And, I don't know if anyone else does this, but I pray a lot in the car, while I'm driving. I guess because it is some of the only 'quiet time' I get.
So, I was kind of worried. I didn't 'feel pregnant' anymore. I didn't think I was as big as I thought I had been (in fact, I wasn't. Gabriel had died and my amniotic fluid was very low).
So, I was doing one of my 'driving while praying'. I remember trying to figure out if I should call my doctor and try to get in to see him sooner, but then thinking about how that was going to mess up my weekend and the upcoming visit with the inlaws.
I decided I was going to just wait until my appointment, and 'not worry until they tell me there is something to worry about.'
And I had a clear answer. The thought came to my mind very clearly that "Everything is going to be ok. And if it is not ok, that is ok, too".
I found a list I had made around that time of things I wanted to accomplish and goals I had. Everything from "find a way to quit my job and stay home with the kids", "better relationship with my husband", "attend church more regularly", and "lose weight". There were maybe 10 things on that list. After Gabriel died I realized that every single thing on that list was brought about by Gabriel's short life and then his death.
Be careful what you wish for.
This is a conversation I will have someday with my Heavenly Father.
me: "Really? Was that the only way to get my attention and accomplish those things?"
I can be thankful for the growth, if not for the way it came about.
Anyway, these are my musings on this Sunday morning.
I wish you peace and gentle days